Zombie Apocalypse At Heart of Evangelii Gaudium
VATICAN––In a recently published document released by the Vatican Tuesday, Pope Francis writes about the type of community he wants Catholicism to become. In the 224-page Apostolic Exhortation, Francis asks those in the Church to become more visionary, more merciful, and to begin packing the necessary items needed to survive the impending zombie apocalypse. “I dream of a missionary... Read More
Pope Francis Names 2014 “Year Of Terror”
VATICAN––In his General Audience today, Pope Francis announced that he would be naming 2014 “the Year of Terror.” “Since it is difficult to balance the various challenges of the papacy, while finding time to decide what to call this upcoming year, I have decided that The Year of Terror best represents what we ought to be focusing on this upcoming year,” Francis... Read More
89-Year-Old Journalist Who Reconstructed Francis Interview From Memory Can’t Find His Teeth
ROME––After speculation began to circulate regarding the validity of a recent interview between journalist Eugenio Scalfari and Pope Francis published in La Repubblica, the Vatican confirmed yesterday that the interview was not taped, and that the 89-year-old journalist had not only “forgotten to take notes, but that he had also misplaced his teeth.” Just days after the interview... Read More
Man Whose Every Word Is Misrepresented Thinks 12,000 Word Interview A Good Idea
VATICAN––It was reported earlier this week that an outgoing Argentinian born man, whose every single word is misconstrued and misrepresented by friends in the media, has for some reason, resolved to give them an additional 12,000 more words to have fun with. “If you think about it, what’s the worst that could happen?” said the man as he neglected to write down even just... Read More
Local Doctor Tells Patient to Stop Being “Obsessed” with his Cancer
Minneapolis, MN––Dr. Simon Townsend, in an interview with United States Magazine, sent a clear message to his patient, Mr. Christopher Watts, who is suffering from stage-four terminal cancer. “Mr. Watts needs to stop letting himself get locked up in small things like the ever-growing tumors in his lungs that daily threaten his life.” Citing a need for his patient to widen his... Read More