Pope’s New Crossguard Lightsaber Crosier Stirring Up Controversy With Liturgical Purists

VATICAN — Vatican television took the liturgical world by storm last Friday by giving Catholics their very first official look at a short teaser trailer from the upcoming papal Christmas Mass. Focusing much of the trailer on new cantors and deacons that will play a role in the Mass, the 88-second Christmas Mass teaser had many excited about Christmas. But along with those feelings of Christmas... Read More

Possible Liturgical Wreckage Spotted In Search For Missing Tabernacle

Austin, TX–Norwegian has become one of the first men to reach the area where possible debris from the missing tabernacle at St. Jude Catholic Church was spotted yesterday. The man arrived at the search zone near the janitors stock room after several parishioners noticed skid marks on the ground leading from the sanctuary to a closet located directly near the restroom. St. Jude spokesman... Read More

Female Parishioners Upset That Men Not Also Being Asked To “Set The Altar” Before Mass

Baker, OR–Female Parishioners at St. John Bosco Parish in Baker, Oregon have sent a letter to Bishop Liam Cary accusing their pastor Fr. Maurice Alvarez as well as Deacon Bob Ley of sexism and chauvinism. The one-page complaint letter alleges, among other things, that Alvarez “sits back in the rectory with Deacon Bob every Sunday before Mass, laughing it up, while the women are... Read More

Confused Parishioner Won’t Stop Accidently Saying “And Also With You”

photo: Gregory L. Tracy Hoboken, New Jersey––It is being reported today that Timothy Perkins of Our Lady of Fatima Catholic Church in Hoboken, New Jersey continually made the wrong responses at Mass, despite having the new laminated translation guide in his hands. “He had it in his hands, but he wasn’t using it,” an unnamed parishioner who was sitting next to Perkins at... Read More

Scientists Test Effects of Novus Ordo On Longtime Sedevacantist

Dr. William Manders interviewed about Novus Ordo testing on Sedevacantist. Los Angeles, CA–Attempting to explain the physical and emotional toll that an average Sedevacantist would endure during a Novus Ordo, students at UCLA have recently begun tests on 54-year-old Sedevacantist John Weiss of Glendale, California. “Thus far the results have been quite fascinating,” Head... Read More

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