[Mayan Apocalypse Update] Head Of CDF Tells Liberal Catholics To Hide Until Notified To Come Out

VATICAN––In anticipation of today’s apocalypse, the head of the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith, Archbishop Gerhard Ludwig Müller, asked liberal Catholic groups around the world to hide until notified that the cataclysmic event had ended. “Please hide underground, or just go away…far, far away,” Müller said, through a gasmask in a press conference this... Read More

Lapsed Catholic Confirms She Is Still Spiritual

27-year-old Sara Matson confirmed to friends yesterday that she was indeed still very spiritual despite no longer attending Mass. Matson, a World Religions teacher at St. Francis Xavier Catholic School in Sherman Oaks, California reported to her friends that she feels her creator’s presence everywhere. “Not that there’s anything wrong with going to church,” Matson... Read More

Man Angry That Only Women Can Become Female Priests

Florence Hensley and companions minutes after practicing mass Medford, OR––Speaking at a Women’s Rights group at the home of fellow parishioner Florence Hensley of Medford, Oregon this week, 58-year-old Roger Shannahan complained that the group was being sexist for unjustly excluding men from the group’s hopes of a female priesthood. “I mean, you could see in the early... Read More

Colorado Priest To Appoint Entire Parish Eucharistic Ministers

Loveland, CO––Saint Perpetua Parish Priest Father Nick Farley announced Friday that he would be appointing every single parishioner at his church an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. “In due respect to the amount of Extraordinary Ministers needed per mass, the adage ought to be, more the merrier,” Farley said. Farley later proudly added that all of his current Extraordinary... Read More

Liberal Catholic University To Replace Church With Massive Cafeteria

Miami, FL––To help accommodate the diverse palates of Mater Dei University’s large Catholic student-body, President Jon Heinz has announced plans to build the largest cafeteria in the U.S. The cafeteria, which is tentatively scheduled to be built in the summer of 2014, would eventually replace the university’s main church at the center of campus. The plan was announced in a... Read More

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