Parishioner At The Back Of Long Confession Line Sure Is Optimistic

Brooklyn, NY–Walking to the back of a nauseatingly long confession line with only five minutes to go before Mass yesterday evening, an undeterred and naively optimistic Christopher Repin smiled and greeted penitents in front of him. “God bless you guys,” a cheerful and relaxed Repin told people around him as he held up two fingers in a peace sign for those near the front... Read More

Drive-Thru Confessions Huge Hit In Local Parish

Reports out of The Church of the Most Holy Trinity in Wichita, Kansas are confirming that last week’s launch of their new drive-thru confessional was a complete success. “It’s an absolute blessing,” Church Pastor Father Donald Borland told EOTT. “One day I was sitting in the confessional listening to this old man’s confessions, and all I could think about... Read More

Pastor Encourages Parishoners To Use New Click-To-Confess Feature On Church Website

Raleigh, North Carolina––After revealing new updates to the parish website, pastor of St. Claire Church Fr. Nicholas Walker told his flock that should they have to confess, to henceforth do so by the new “Click-to-Confess” feature on the parish website. “I began to notice a rise in parishioners desiring confessions, but I couldn’t get to all of them with the 15 minutes... Read More

Swede Invents Thicker Confessional Walls; Wins Nobel Prize

Sweden––Alsog Dalgaard of Sweden has been awarded the Nobel Prize for his achievement in work in building thicker, more sound-resistant confessionals. The Nobel Prize committee awarded Dalgard the award “for discovery of ground-breaking methods that enable audibility-obstruction and buffering within confessionals.“ The former rocket scientist said he was at first hesitant to... Read More

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