Woman Criticizes Jesus For Giving Apostles Communion In The Hand

Trenton, NJ––Lorenza Matthews expressed disappointment last week when she noticed that, according to the Gospel accounts of the Last Supper, Jesus “gave” the Apostles his Sacred Body and told them to “take” it. “I’m a bit scandalized that Our Lord would brush aside the traditional practice of Communion on the tongue while kneeling.” When asked about her frustration, Matthews... Read More

Vatican Press Office Officially Announces All Phone Lines in Vatican To Be Disconnected For Remainder Of Pontificate

VATICAN––The Vatican Press Office Director Father Federico Lombardi issued a statement to the media today concerning Pope Francis’ recent telephone call to a divorced and remarried Argentine woman, in which he supposedly gave her permission to receive Holy Communion. The woman at the center of the story, Jacqui Sabetta, and her ex-husband told reporters that His Holiness told them... Read More

Area Baptist Church Runs Out Of Welch’s 100% Grape Juice For Communion

San Diego, CA–Pastor Kyle Sandera of Newlife Baptist Church in San Diego, California says that an unanticipated large crowd at Sunday service this past weekend depleted their Welch’s 100% Grape Juice reserve before everyone was able to partake in the breaking of bread. “We honestly just didn’t expect that that many people would show,” Sandera told Eye of the Tiber. “30... Read More