People Preparing McCarrick Report Same People As Counting Votes In Nevada
After days of ballot counting in Nevada, officials from the state revealed earlier this morning that they were, in fact, the same people that were... Read More
Mass
Folk Mass Band Upset Over Masses Interrupting Their Concerts
Yonkers, NY––Blake Jennings, lead guitarist at St. Therese Parish in Yonkers, New York is outraged over what he calls “years of concerts being interrupted by the Mass.” The 56-year-old accountant and father of three has played... Read More
No Laity Found To Bring Up Gifts To Altar; Consecration Delayed Two Hours
Pastor of St. Dwenden Catholic Church Ben Gregory was forced to postpone the consecration for nearly two hours earlier this morning after lead usher Kevin Sarkosy was unsuccessful in locating anyone willing to bring up the bread... Read More
“We’re Taking All The Good Seats On Christmas, And You’re Gonna Stand There And Like It,” Nominal Catholics Report
YOUR PARISH––”We’re taking every pew and every freaking seat in the house tonight and tomorrow, and you’re just gonna have to stand there and like it,” bitter Christmas/Easter Catholics told the nation’s practicing... Read More
Colorado Priest To Appoint Entire Parish Eucharistic Ministers
Loveland, CO––Saint Perpetua Parish Priest Father Nick Farley announced Friday that he would be appointing every single parishioner at his church an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. “In due respect to the amount of Extraordinary... Read More
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Libs & Trads
New Evidence Reveals The Mass Was Founded In 1965
Los Angeles, CA–A Loyola Marymount professor Wednesday found what he is considering undeniable evidence of his theory that the Mass was founded in 1965, as... Read More
President Carter Says Mathematicians Should Allow Square Pegs To Fit In Round Holes
WASHINGTON––In an interview with CNN’s Erin Burnett, former President Jimmy Carter talked about his letter to mathematicians. In it, Carter called on... Read More
New App Allows User To Locate Where Least Crappy Homily Going To Be Delivered In Area
The Vatican announced this morning that they have launched “CrapHom,” a new app for iPhone and Android that allows Catholics to view which local parishes will... Read More
Traditionalists Sanction Protestant Communities Over Vatican II Liturgical Hacks
In a drastic move to secure traditionalist Catholics from liturgical hackers, the Burke administration on Thursday slapped a number of Protestant communities and... Read More
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Politics
Cardinal Kaspar Opposes Resettlement Of Traditionalist Refugees In Home Diocese
Cardinal Walter Kaspar’s anger over resettlement of ultra-traditionalist... Read More
Francis Writes Emotional Letter To Nike Executives Thanking Them For Taking Spotlight Off Him
Pope Francis has reportedly sent an emotional letter to executives... Read More
Nancy Pelosi Named Speaker Of The Church
Image: Gage Skidmore Nancy Pelosi became the most powerful person... Read More
Prince Harry Nervous About Telling New Bride He’s Actually Sixth In Line To Having His Own Church
Image: ThomasToti Nervously rubbing his hands on the eve of his... Read More
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Vatican
Pope Francis Leads Summit On How To Pretend The Church Is Doing Something About The Abuse Scandal
Pope Francis has called the presidents from bishops conferences around the... Read More
Pope Francis To Investigate Roman Curia On TV Show “Undercover Boss”
ROME–Executives from CBS confirmed Wednesday that Chief Executive Officer... Read More
New DC Comics ‘Benedict V Francis: Dawn Of Mercy’ Film Getting Terrible Reviews
Image: Andrew Hermiz It’s been three years since Benedict’s colossal battle... Read More
Pope Francis Confirms Doctrine Of The Resurrection Will Last “Forever”
Paul Haring/Catholic News Service. The Church’s belief that Jesus rose from... Read More