People Preparing McCarrick Report Same People As Counting Votes In Nevada

After days of ballot counting in Nevada, officials from the state revealed earlier this morning that they were, in fact, the same people that were... Read More

Mass

The “Brown Note” Proven True Seconds After “Gather Us In” Begins

The infrasonic sound that some have said causes people to lose control of their bowels was proven true just seconds after the hymn Gather Us In began last Sunday. Director of Acoustic Resonance and Church Worship at the Vatican Michelle Klinsmann... Read More

Priest Magician Performs Folk Mass Illusion; Makes Parishioners Disappear

Las Vegas, NV––Citing a large demand for his Folk Mass illusion, part-time magician Fr. George Richmond of Las Vegas, Nevada told reporters Sunday that he would begin to perform the trick every Sunday at 9:00 am. “I remember last... Read More

One Million Youth Visit Rio To See Pope On Large Screen

Rio de Janerio, Brazil––Media sources confirm that nearly one million Catholic young people from nearly every country in the world put aside their lives and traveled to Brazil to catch a glimpse of the Holy Father Pope Francis projected... Read More

New State-Of-The-Art Church Promises Comforts Of The Future

LONDON––A new state-of-the-art church in London opened today with Christmas/Easter size crowds eager for an opportunity to experience the next generation of churches. St. Joseph Cupertino Parish pastor Roger O’Malley gave Eye of... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Man Fondly Remembers Time When A Man Could Read Bible In Public Without Fear Of Being Ridiculed, Beheaded

New Philadelphia––Thinking back to a time long ago, 80-year-old New Philadelphian Gary Walker told his grandchildren that he remembered a time when a man... Read More

Vacationing Catholic Family Excited To See What Liturgical Abuses Practiced In Visiting Parish

  Returning to his hometown with his family for the first time in over five years, Catholic family man Alex Trumble voiced his desire Saturday afternoon to... Read More

Daylight Savings News: Sedevacantist Family Moves Clocks Back Seven Centuries

After having set the family clock back seven centuries for daylight savings this past weekend, patriarch of a local sedevacantist family told EOTT this morning... Read More

Disgruntled Parishioner Vows To Halt Weekly $1 Donation Until Church Accepts Female Priests

  Disgruntled Parishioner of St. Agatha Catholic Church James Fitzgerald reported yesterday that he would hence for no longer financial assist the church with... Read More

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Politics

Breaking: Your Side Will Win The Midterm Elections Today Because Of Your Comment On A Facebook Post

  In what many are calling a spectacular turn of events, pollsters... Read More

Fetus Only A Blob Of Tissue, Says 47-Year-Old Blob Of Tissue

While reiterating  that a fetus is nothing more than a blob of tissue,... Read More

Cardinal Kaspar Opposes Resettlement Of Traditionalist Refugees In Home Diocese

Cardinal Walter Kaspar’s anger over resettlement of ultra-traditionalist... Read More

Prince Harry Nervous About Telling New Bride He’s Actually Sixth In Line To Having His Own Church

Image: ThomasToti   Nervously rubbing his hands on the eve of his... Read More

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Vatican

Women In Love With Married Men Appeal To Pope To Make Fidelity Optional

  VATICAN–A group of 26 Italian mistresses who claim to be having affairs... Read More

Pope Francis Stumbles; Foreshadowing Of Unstable Papacy?

A sign of things to come? VATICAN––Media outlets around the world were quick... Read More

Francis Retires From Game Of Papacy After Twenty Illustrious Liturgical Seasons

Image: Andrew Hermiz Pope Francis, the man who helped the Church win hundreds of... Read More

Pope Francis Meets With Carrot Top

Image: Timothy Evans   American stand-up comedian Scott Thompson, better known... Read More

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