Prisoners Break Free From Lunch With Pope To Return To Prison
Image_Michael Coghlan Two prisoners in Bologna, Italy escaped during their lunch with Pope Francis yesterday, reportedly fleeing back to their jail cells after what they called a “harrowing experience.” The two inmates, who are serving time at a social reintegration facility in Castelfranco Emilia, told EOTT that, though the few bites of lasagna they ate before ditching the lunch were amazing, they just “couldn’t stomach” another minute... Read More
Francis Condemns Magnum Principium, Begins Saying Latin Mass After Hitting Head During Popemobile Accident
Image:Zebra48bo Days after the Pontiff sustained injuries after hitting his head in a popemobile accident in Colombia, Pope Francis has now condemned his own motu proprio, Magnum Principium, allowing bishops’ conferences control over the translation of liturgical texts. Pope Francis had originally published the motu proprio, which shifted control over liturgical texts from Apostolic See to diocesan bishop, before hitting his head against a bar... Read More
Head Of Vatican Secret Archives Enjoys Muttering Cryptic Half-Sentences Just To Mess With People’s Heads
Head of Vatican Secret Archives Monsignor Luigi Alfresco admitted to close friends today that he often passes the time during private archive tours muttering cryptic things to himself to mess with people’s heads. “I’ve been giving these private tours for new cardinals for 43 years,” Alfresco told EOTT. “I can do them in my sleep, so now, just to keep myself from falling asleep during a tour, I’ll begin muttering... Read More
Vatican Invites Hugh Hefner To Join Commission To Study Priestly Celibacy
Ricardo André Frantz Just days after the U.N. Elected Saudi Arabia to its Women’s Rights Commission, the Vatican announced this week that Pope Francis has elected Hugh Hefner to its Commission to Study Priestly Celibacy. “Electing Hugh Hefner to study whether or not members of the clergy should be able to get married is outrageous,” said Dunkan Weber, executive director of Vatican Watch. “It’s insane and morally reprehensible.” But others... Read More
Swiss Guard Wondering Where The Hell All The Action Is
Image:gnuckx New member of the Swiss Guard Leon Habsburg has reportedly made a formal complaint to Commander of the Pontifical Swiss Guard Christoph Graf this morning requesting more action. “I grew up playing Call of Duty,” Habsburg told EOTT near the entrance to the Sistine Chapel. “I got so good at it that I found that I had the expertise, the poise and confidence to pray my rosary for the Pope while risking my many lives in Modern Warfare.” That’s... Read More