Francis Practicing Emeritus Signature
Mere days after former Vatican ambassador to the US, Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, alleged that the Pope was aware of sexual misconduct allegations against Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, Francis is said to have been spending a large part of his day quietly trying out different new emeritus signatures in preparations for his upcoming retirement. “I hear you get a gold-plated watch,” Pope Francis whispered into the ear of one reporter in an attempt... Read More
Pope Francis Declares Death Unacceptable In All Cases
Pope Francis decreed yesterday that death is “inadmissible” under all circumstances and that the Catholic Church should attempt to abolish it. The change has been hailed by anti-death activists and rejected by Francis critics, who said he had no right to change the consequences of original sin. A spokesman for the Vatican told EOTT early this morning that Francis had amended the Catechism of the Catholic Church to say that death can never... Read More
Pope Francis Tells Total Prick: “God Loves You, But The Rest Of Us Think You’re An Ass”
A prick, who has been a complete and utter bastard to friends and strangers alike, said Pope Francis recently told him that he being an ass “doesn’t matter” and that “God made you like this.” Pablo Santiago Iglesias, who met with the pope last month, told EOTT about the conversation early this morning in an exclusive interview. “Pablo, that you are a total ass doesn’t matter,” Iglesias said Francis told him. “God... Read More
Report: New Evidence Shows Lazarus Fell Off Donkey, Died Just Hours After Being Brought Back To Life
A bible found in Turkey earlier this month has stunned the Christian world after researchers say that the work’s author documents that just a few hours after Lazarus was raised from the grave, he fell off his donkey and died a short time later. What is being called The Gospel of Craig (after its author and former friend of Lazarus) claims that Lazarus “did not live many more hours after, but rather, fell to the earth from off his ass and thus... Read More
Pontifical Swiss Guard To Remove “Pontifical” From Name
Image:gnuckx In an effort to become more inclusive, The Pontifical Swiss Guard announced this morning that it would begin defending leaders of other faiths for the first time in its long history. Beginning next month, the Pontifical Swiss Guard will be known as the Interreligious Swiss Guard. “Interreligious Swiss Guard perfectly represents the new, inclusive program to help protect Protestant pastors, rabbis, and other religious leaders, including... Read More