[BREAKING] Benedict To Remain Pope, Area Catholic Dreaming

Albany, NY––Just days after he shocked the world by announcing his decision to retire at the end of the month, it is now being reported that Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he has, after much reflection, “decided to stay on board.” The decision was announced inside the slumbering brain of 26-year-old Catholic Robert Griffith just moment ago inside what appeared to be the Papal Palace, but in all actuality felt like it was his parents’... Read More

Sistine Chapel Officials In Negotiations To Swap Paintings With Guardian Angel Cathedral In Las Vegas

Painting of The Rise of the Sentients in Guardian Angels Cathedral in Las Vegas, Nevada VATICAN CITY––An official at the Vatican Press Office today announced that the Vatican was in preliminary negotiations with Las Vegas bishop Joseph Pepe to swap Michelangelo’s The Last Judgment with the world-renowned painting The Rise of the Sentients located inside Guardian Angel Cathedral in Las Vegas, Nevada. Monsignor Alexander Bader, a spokesman... Read More

[Mayan Apocalypse Update] Head Of CDF Tells Liberal Catholics To Hide Until Notified To Come Out

VATICAN––In anticipation of today’s apocalypse, the head of the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith, Archbishop Gerhard Ludwig Müller, asked liberal Catholic groups around the world to hide until notified that the cataclysmic event had ended. “Please hide underground, or just go away…far, far away,” Müller said, through a gasmask in a press conference this morning. “This is real. It’s going to happen. Don’t... Read More

Jesus May Have Been Born Years After Pope Thinks, Claims Incoming Anglican Archbishop

CANTERBURY––The “mistake” was made by 21st century Pope and scholar known as Benedict XVI or God’s Rottweiler, the incoming Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby claims in his new book, Christ of Nazareth: The Baby Narratives, published on Thursday. “The Pope claims that the calculation of the beginning of our calendar, that being based on the birth of Jesus, was made by Dionysius Exiguus, who made a mistake in... Read More

Archbishop Gerhard Müller To LCWR Nuns: “Shhh!”

VATICAN––Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith Archbishop Gerhard Müller met with leaders of the Leadership Conference of Women Religious this week. The meeting had been requested by the LCWR to address what they called deficiencies in regards to the doctrinal assessment of their organization released by the CDF in April. “We were hoping for a more open discussion about our issues,” former LCWR president Pat Farrell... Read More

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