Pope Francis Bows To Refrigerator, Houseplant

VATICAN CITY–As head of state at the Vatican, as well as leader of the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics, Pope Frances broke protocol yet again this morning when he bowed to his houseplant moments before watering it. Francis, who has made ignoring protocol and tradition a trademark of his papacy, went on to bow to his refrigerator moments before extending his hand to open it. “This man is absolutely fascinating,” the Pope’s photographer,... Read More

Vatican Picks Up Free Agent Tim Tebow

VATICAN––Last year, after being released by his second NFL team, Tim Tebow sat unclaimed on the unrestricted free-agent market. Then in June Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots took a chance at the former Heisman winner from Florida. But recently, after what has been described by many as an unproductive pre-season, Tebow was released from New England, becoming a free-agent yet again. Then enter the Vatican. One Vatican insider Monsignor Ronaldo... Read More

Pope Francis Calls Zack Snyder To Complain About Choice Of Ben Affleck For Batman

Hollywood, CA––”Hello, it’s Pope Francis,” were the first words spoken during a conversation in which His Holiness telephoned Zack Snyder, director of the upcoming film “Man of Steel 2.” “Hello Your Holiness,” answered a dazed Snyder, no stranger to celebrities but still star struck to be speaking to the Holy Father, the Vicar of Christ on earth. “Listen, I’ll get to the point,” said Pope... Read More

Man Sits Through Entire St. Therese Film; Second John XXIII Miracle Now Confirmed

Murrieta, CA––Just weeks after Pope Francis waived the second miracle requirement for the canonization of Pope John XXIII, the Congregation for the Causes of Saints have announced that they have found and approved a miracle attributed to the late pontiff. What the Vatican is calling an “inexplicable surge of supernatural endurance” by a Murrieta man who was able to sit through a viewing of the 2005 film St. Thérèse in one sitting... Read More

“I Told Him Left…Make A Freaking Left,” Pope Vents To Youth

Rio de Janeiro––Just a day after his driver made a wrong turn down a busy street in Rio de Janeiro, a visibly irritated Pope Francis vented to close to a million youth gathered for World Youth Day. “If I told him once, I told him twenty times, ‘drive…away…from…the…mob…of…people,'” the Pope said to those who had gathered with the anticipation of hearing the Pontiff discuss the role of young people... Read More

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