Pope Shares Birthday Breakfast With Boy Band One Direction
VATICAN–Five members of the English-Irish pop boy band One Direction helped Pope Francis celebrate his 77th birthday at the Vatican Tuesday. The teen heartthrobs, consisting of Niall Horan (the cute one), Zayn Malik (the quiet and mysterious one), Liam Payne (the sensible one), Harry Styles (the charming one), and Louis Tomlinson (the funny one), were invited by a Vatican official to attend the morning Mass which Francis celebrates daily at the hotel... Read More
Pope Emeritus Benedict Glances At Cover Of Time Magazine Again, Discreetly Wipes Tear From Eye
VATICAN–Sources close to the Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI reported that the Holy Father has been silently obsessing over Time Magazine’s recent choice of Pope Francis as “Person of the Year.” “He got up as usual this morning,” said one source, “said his morning prayers and celebrated Mass. Then he sat down to check Yahoo News with his morning tea, like he always does. When he saw…it…he just got really... Read More
Pope Francis Sneaks Out Of Vatican At Night In Disguise To Help Poor, Fight Crime
VATICAN–A recent interview with the Papal Alomner Archbishop Konrad Krajewski this week confirmed recent speculations that Pope Francis joins him on his nightly trips into Rome to give alms to the poor. An inside source at the Vatican told EOTT that “Swiss guards confirmed that the pope has ventured out at night dressed as Batman to meet with homeless men and women, and to fight crime.” “The first time I told him I was going out... Read More
Zombie Apocalypse At Heart of Evangelii Gaudium
VATICAN––In a recently published document released by the Vatican Tuesday, Pope Francis writes about the type of community he wants Catholicism to become. In the 224-page Apostolic Exhortation, Francis asks those in the Church to become more visionary, more merciful, and to begin packing the necessary items needed to survive the impending zombie apocalypse. “I dream of a missionary option,” Francis writes, “that is capable of transforming... Read More
Pope Francis Names 2014 “Year Of Terror”
VATICAN––In his General Audience today, Pope Francis announced that he would be naming 2014 “the Year of Terror.” “Since it is difficult to balance the various challenges of the papacy, while finding time to decide what to call this upcoming year, I have decided that The Year of Terror best represents what we ought to be focusing on this upcoming year,” Francis said to the hundreds gathered in St. Peter’s Square.... Read More