Pope, Bishops Decide It’s Finally Time To Do Something About Sexual Abuse Crisis After YouTube Goes Offline
Pope Francis and bishops from around the globe unanimously decided to actually try to do something about the sexual abuse crisis after YouTube went offline yesterday. “Now that we cannot simply sit around calling synods so that we look like we’re doing something while, in all actuality, we’re just watching videos of cats chasing lasers on YouTube, we, the Princes of the Church, in union with the successor of St. Peter, have decided that we... Read More
Vatican Approves Construction of World’s Largest Bus To Throw Chinese Catholics Under
The Vatican said this past weekend that it had reached an agreement with China on the process of constructing the “largest, most biggest ever” bus to throw Chinese Catholics under. The deal paves the way for bishops and laity who have been faithful to the Rome to be “royally screwed for their loyalty,” while rewarding bishops created without papal approval. “For Pope Francis, the construction of the mega bus has been one of his most ambitious... Read More
Pope Francis Leads Summit On How To Pretend The Church Is Doing Something About The Abuse Scandal
Pope Francis has called the presidents from bishops conferences around the world for a February summit to discuss how to better look like they are doing something about preventing clergy sex abuse. The summit of the presidents signals a realization that the laity do not believe that those in the highest levels of the Church are doing anything to combat clergy sex abuse. “We are faced with a grave situation in the Church today,” Pope Francis... Read More
Captain America, Iron Man Split Over Vigano Letter
Iron man and Captain America have been seen fighting inside St. Peter’s Square this morning after witnesses say that the superheroes had had a public falling out over the recent letter from Archbishop Viganó . “This is brother against brother” said the Captain, who is in full support of Pope Francis told EOTT this afternoon as he dodged a volley of beams. “Vigano’s allegations should not be given the time of day. Innocent until... Read More
Blase Cupich Denies Allegations He Is Sane
Image: Goat_Girl Cardinal Blase Cupich responded to an anonymous letter earlier today accusing him of being sane. “To say that I am sane is insane,” the American cardinal said. “Yes, I admit it. What sane person would say that protecting the environment is a more important issue than the allegations levelled at the Pope? Seriously, what else would I have had to say to convince you that I’m a complete crackpot? Would I have needed to say that... Read More