Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI Asks To Be Reinstated As Pope
According to reports yesterday, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI is seeking the chair of his pontificate years after his resignation. The news has sent shock waves around the world. Vatican spokesman Fr. Vitateli Devitiamani told EOTT that, “He came for a dinner as scheduled and then proceeded to return to his old living quarters. That wouldn’t be a problem, since His Holiness Pope Francis chose to live elsewhere and so the room is open. However, once... Read More
Cardinal Burke Demoted To Chaplain Of Akron RubberDucks Minor League Baseball Team
Akron, OH–Pope Francis has reportedly planned to remove Cardinal Raymond Burke from head of the Apostolic Signatura, demoting him to the largely ceremonial role as Head Chaplain for the Akron RubberDucks minor league baseball team. Although his removal from the Roman Curia (the body of Vatican-based Cardinals who are close advisers to the Pope,) appears to be a slight to many conservative Catholics, some Akron-based Catholic RubberDucks fans believe... Read More
EWTN Acquires Holy See
Irondale, AL–EWTN Global Catholic Network announced today that it has acquired the Vatican-based Holy See. “EWTN has been a partner with the Holy See for many years, and I am very pleased and excited that this highly respected organization will become a part of the EWTN family of services,” said Network chairman Michael P. Warsaw. “Since its founding two-thousand years ago, the Vatican has proven itself to be a valuable source for... Read More
Germany Abdicates World Cup Championship; Argentina To Assume Title
BRAZIL––The German National Team today stunned soccer fans across the globe with their announcement that they would abdicate the World Cup title, effective today. FIFA, the international governing body of association football, said today it has voted the largely unknown Argentinian National Team to assume the title of champions of the soccer world. In a statement issued today, the German National Team wrote: “…in today’s game,... Read More
Pope Excommunicates 95% Of Italian Men
Sibari, Calabria––Using his strongest language to date, Pope Francis told Italian Mafia members and those who look like mafia members on Saturday that they are excommunicated from the Catholic Church, thereby excommunicating nearly 95% of Italians across the globe. “Those who in their life have gone along the evil ways, as in the case of the mafia, or those who in their life have not gone along the evil ways, but nevertheless look like they... Read More