Benedict Confirms Epic Kegger At Apostolic Palace During Francis Visit To U.S.
VATICAN– Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI confirmed Monday that he will make his first visit to the Apostolic Palace in September to host and attend a raging kegger. The news comes just hours after Pope Francis announced plans to attend a meeting on the family in Philadelphia, or as Benedict called it, “Snoozapalooza.” In a statement made to friends gathered Monday, Benedict said, “I wish to confirm that in September of 2015, I will throw the most... Read More
Pope Francis Not Sure How To Make Sense Of What He Just Said
VATICAN–Speaking to pilgrims during his weekly Wednesday audience yesterday, Pope Francis admitted that he was kind of having a hard time making any kind of sense whatsoever of what he just said. The Pontiff, who has been known to make off the cuff remarks in the past, told those gathered in St. Peter’s Square that what he just said was “admittedly kind of weird.” “I said what?” Francis asked those gathered. “There’s no way I just said... Read More
Pope Francis Says Forces Of Gravity And Electromagnetism Are Real
VATICAN––In a stunning break with centuries of Catholic teaching, Pope Francis announced today that the forces of Gravity and Electromagnetism are real, adding that “God is not a magician with a magic wand.” This is in stark contrast with the teaching of his predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI, whose third Encyclical is entitled “God the Magician: Why Gravity Doesn’t Exist.” During this address to the Pontifical Academy of the Sciences, Pope Francis... Read More
Second Synod To Focus On Learning Fundamentals Of Catholic Doctrine
VATICAN–It was announced today that a second synod, tentatively scheduled for mid-January, will solely focus on learning the fundamental teachings of the Catholic Church. The news comes just days after Pope Francis asked synod participants to “speak clearly,” encouraging them to speak openly. “Let no one say, ‘This can’t be said, they will think this or that about me.’ Everything we feel must be said, without fear,”... Read More
Cardinal Kasper Adds Three Sacraments
Vatican City––Citing the need for the Church to “update herself with modern times,” Cardinal Walter Kasper declared that the Church has now added three Sacraments to the original seven instituted by Christ. In an interview with America, Kasper explained his decision: “Christ challenged the Pharisees to look deeper than the Mosaic Law, and he challenges us to the same. The original seven sacraments were sufficient for their time, but times have... Read More