Missing Burke Found Alive After Getting Lost Inside Cappa Magna For Five Days
A desperate search for Cardinal Raymond Burke who went missing for two days in the below-zero cold of his cappa magna turned jubilant today when rescuers guided by cellphone signals and footprints in the snow found him alive near the backend of his overturned vestment. About 300 parishioners had searched by land and air inside the cavernous terrain within his cappa magna after he failed to be recovered after acolytes tried to remove the vestment from him... Read More
Synod On The Family Admits New ‘Caitlyn’ Jenner Vanity Fair Cover ‘A Game Changer’
Members of the Synod on the Family scrambled to meet today to discuss what some bishops are calling “a game changer” after Bruce Jenner appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair revealing his new Caitlyn Jenner identity. The impromptu meeting was called by Cardinal Reinhard Marx to review how they could leverage what he called the potential “straw that broke the discriminatory camel’s back.” “You guys…tell me you saw Caitlyn on Vanity,” a giddy... Read More
Benedict XVI: “The Entire Vial Of Blood, Including Reliquary, Would’ve Liquefied If I Was Holding It”
Just days after St. Gennaro’s blood liquefied after Pope Francis kissed the relic in Naples, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT that he would be able to” liquefy the entire thing if really wanted to.” In an exclusive interview with EOTT this morning, the former pope said that the same vial of hardened blood had not liquefied when he kissed it in 2007 simply because he hadn’t tried to liquefy it hard enough. “If I had... Read More
Vatican Opens Retirement Community To Accommodate Expected Influx Of Retired Popes
Following comments made by Pope Francis last week stating that he felt his pontificate could possibly last no longer than two or three years, the Vatican announced today that they have opened a multi-million dollar retirement community for emeritus popes. The news comes just days after Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT that he would welcome another former pope into his residence, so long as the incoming pope did not have cat allergies. The former pope’s... Read More
Bosnians Upset To Learn Madonna Concert In Medjugorje Performed By Imposter
The Bosnian Times is reporting this morning that Medjugorje Mayor Alojzige Zovgo is denying reports that a recent Madonna concert was performed by an impostor. Many fans became suspicious when the musician began to sing, and lyrics to well known songs appeared inconsistent with original recordings. Skeptics have not yet been able to confirm who may have been impersonating the Material Girl, but Zovgo insists that it is indeed non other than... Read More