Pope Saving Ring Pop All For Himself Today
Recent footage of Pope Francis shows him repeatedly pulling his hand away from a line of people attempting to take a lick of his Ring Pop. The one-minute video of Pope Francis not allowing anyone a taste the strawberry flavor of the Ring Pop has drawn much controversy since it surfaced Monday, pitting conservatives against liberals. “He definitely understands the importance of the ring—how yummy it is,” said Jesuit priest Thomas Lovett.... Read More
Francis After First Day At Sex Abuse Summit: “We Figured It All Out. Thanks For Your Concern, But You Can Leave Us Alone Now”
Hours after the first day of the Vatican Sex Abuse Summit concluded yesterday, Pope Francis stood before close to 200 participants and a small gathering of reporters and announced that “all went well,” before going on to tell everyone that they were “welcome to now leave.” “Thank you so very much for your concern,” Francis told reporters. “Honestly, it really means a lot that you’re here and reporting on this very important matter... Read More
Marie Kondo Helps Tidy Up Vatican; Gets Rid Of All But Five Bishops
Telling reporters that he brought in famed organizing consultant Marie Kondo to help consolidate and clean up the Vatican, Pope Francis Thursday said that he was now feeling “much better” after decluttering the city-state of all but five of bishops. “Most homes have a few years, maybe a decade’s worth, of clutter to get rid of, but here at the Vatican, we have 2,000 years’ worth of stuff that’s just been lying around,” Francis... Read More
Vatican Announces New Three-Strikes Excommunication Policy
The Vatican has announced today that beginning next year, a new three-strikes excommunication policy will take effect. The new three-strike policy would automatically excommunicate anyone found guilty of having committed three mortal sins. “We are mandating this new policy because we have found that too many Catholics are either committing the same sins over and over again because they know they can simply come to confession right after, or because... Read More
Pope Francis Meets With Carrot Top
Image: Timothy Evans American stand-up comedian Scott Thompson, better known as Carrot Top, met with Pope Francis at the Vatican after his Wednesday general audience this week. Top, who rose to fame as a corky prop-comic before moving on to appear in such films as So I Married An Axe Murderer and Sharknado: The 4th Awakens, was pictured happily shaking hands with the pontiff. Speaking with media on Thursday, Vatican representative Bishop Reginald Barring... Read More