As Syrian Conflict Intensifies, New Jersey Man Urges God To End Jets Quarterback Controversy
East Rutherford, New Jersey––As U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry effectively set out a case for missile strikes on Syria this morning, New York resident Alan Jones has intensified his prayers for God Almighty to resolve the quarterback controversy brewing in New York. Jones reported to EOTT this afternoon that after having accidentally stumbled upon a Fox News “Alert” yesterday showing Pope Francis and Jordinian King Abdullah... Read More
New California Law Forces Parishes To Switch To E-Thuribles
A new ban on thurible smoke will take effect in all California churches beginning in 2014 State officials are now confirming. The ban, which comes decades after a 1995 ruling that banned all smoking in enclosed workplaces in California, is set to take effect in all Catholic churches across the state. Governor Jerry Brown (D) of California told the press Thursday that he hoped the move would help pastors who consistently used incense during... Read More
Pope Francis Declares Homosexuality Obligatory For All Catholics, New York Times Reports
New York, NY––During an interview given while walking from his airplane arriving from Brazil to the 1983 Ford Escort awaiting to take him to the Vatican, His Holiness Pope Francis declared the new ex-cathedra Catholic dogma that all members of the Catholic Church must become homosexual, the New York Times reported. This declaration is said by the New York Times to have sent shock waves through the Catholic world, and delighted the enormously powerful... Read More
Paula Deen Not In Hot Water After Using Anti-Catholic Slur
June 30, 2013 by Admin
Filed under Politics, Uncategorized
Savannah, GA––Just weeks after admitting she used racist and anti-Semitic comments years ago, new video obtained by Radar Online shows celebrity chef Paula Deen making anti-Catholic comments to Food Network executive Ronald Fowler. The video, obtained by the entertainment and gossip website, shows Deen in her dressing room calling Fowler a “cookie-worshiping papist,” and going on to say that the “little cod-eating mackerel snapper”... Read More
Landmark Win For Individuals Who Experience And Act Upon An Exclusive Or Predominant Attraction Toward Persons Of The Same Sex
June 27, 2013 by Admin
Filed under Politics, Uncategorized
Washington, DC––In a landmark win for thousands of people across America who suffer with and act upon homosexual tendencies, the U.S. Supreme Court yesterday ruled that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) was unconstitutional. The ruling came as welcomed news to hundreds of people gathered outside the Supreme Court who may or may not have recently acted upon intrinsically evil homosexual acts that are contrary to the natural law. “I just can’t... Read More