Family Atheist Disproves Existence Of Grandfather He’s Never Seen
Fort Lauderdale, FL–As debate continued over whether or not it was appropriate for members of the Hamilton residence to discuss the topic of Grandpa Joe in the home, family atheist Rob Hamilton, 29, argued with family members that they had absolutely zero “rock-hard evidence” proving the existence of his so-called “grandpa.” Hamilton told a gathering at the annual Hamilton Family Reunion that he has in fact definitively disproven... Read More
Fear Of Elderly Vatican Priests, Nuns Violently Storming U.S. Embassy Reason For Relocation, U.S. State Department Confirms
A security guard outside the U.S. Embassy to the Vatican checks for dangerous religious medals. ROME––The recent decision to close the current “free-standing” U.S. Embassy to the Holy See was made because of “growing fears of a Benghazi-like terrorost attack” led by 60 to 90-year-old zealot priests and nuns stationed in the Vatican, the U.S. State Department confirmed today. The decision has led to sharp criticism by Vatican... Read More
Benedictines Suspend Monk For Bullying Novice
Miami, FL–Benedictines from around the country are calling on the superior of a local Order to “uphold its responsibility to maintain a safe prayer environment for monks.” This follows revelations that long-time Benedictine monk Fr. Richie Incognitus allegedly bullied fellow monk Brother Jonathon Martin. Martin recently left the Order after alleging that Incognitus left a voice mail saying, among other things, that [Martin] was “nothing... Read More
Leaked Documents Reveal NSA Spied On Prayers Of Faithful
According to a new report out this week in the Italian magazine Panorama, the NSA may have spied on the prayers of millions of faithful during the last Papal Election. The report states that the agency, which is embroiled in a number of scandals, is believed to have been intercepting prayers within the hearts and minds of millions of Catholics made to God during the conclave that saw Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio elected Pope. Jesuit Father Frederico... Read More
Marty Haugen Music To Be Outlawed Under New Geneva Convention Resolution
Geneva, Switzerland–New guidelines set down by the international community during the fifth Geneva Convention this week has extensively defined the basic, spiritual wartime rights of the Church Militant by outlawing all Marty Haugen music used in and around war-zones. What is officially being called The Geneva Convention relative to the Protection of Parishioners in Times of Spiritual War has become the fifth convention establishing the standards... Read More