God Apparently Hates Brazil
Kingdom of Heaven––Speaking from His Eternal Throne of Cherubim, God the Creator of all that is visible and invisible confirmed today that while His Love for all mankind is as boundless as the sand on the seashore, He is “not a fan” of Brazil. “From the beautiful beaches of its coast along the Atlantic to its lush rain forest surrounding the Amazon River, the Almighty harbors a deep and serious hatred for the country of... Read More
A Catholic’s Guide To The World Cup
Spain: Spain is currently the strongest team in world. This is largely due to the fact that 76% of the country consider themselves Catholic. Speed and agility is a trademark of the Spaniard and was best exhibited during the battle of Lepanto in October of 1571, commanded by Don John of Austria, the illegitimate son of the Holy Roman Emperor Charles I of Spain. They have been on an immense roll ever since their defeat of the Muslims and they show no signs... Read More
Peace Breaks Out In Israel Moments After Magic Olive Tree Planted
VATICAN–Just moments after Israeli President Shimon Peres and his Palestinian counterpart Mahmoud Abbas helped Pope Francis plant an Olive Tree in the Vatican Garden yesterday, the Jewish news outlet The Fiddler reported that peace had broken out in Israel. Upon hearing the news, Pope Francis told Israeli and Palestinian leaders “I told you so. I told you so. Didn’t I tell you this was a magic tree?” Surrounded by Palestinians and... Read More
Fetus Only A Blob Of Tissue, Says 47-Year-Old Blob Of Tissue
While reiterating that a fetus is nothing more than a blob of tissue, a 47-year-old blob of tissue today told a gathering of the Planned Parenthood Clergy Advisory Board that a fetus is only a human being in potential. “We must remember that until a fetus has a heart and a brain, it is not a human being” said the aged mass of cells, who, despite her age, was lacking a heart and brain herself. The aged mass of cells who was nothing more than a product... Read More
Parents Who Allowed 5-Year-Old Daughter To Declare Herself A Boy Demand He Eats His Carrots
Santa Barbara, CA––Proud parents from Santa Barbara have shared their story of having a 5-year-old transgender daughter who became a boy, but will not let him leave the dinner table until he finishes his vegetables. Biff and Tiffany Witlessberg, who posted a touching YouTube video showing little Pat’s female-to-male transition, are currently sitting with stern looks on their faces until “every carrot on that plate disappears, young... Read More