New Evidence Suggests the Real Reason St. Peter Denied Jesus Was Because Christ Healed His Mother-in-Law

By Kevin Kukla (ProLife365.com) In a shocking discovery earlier this month, biblical archeologists uncovered ancient papyri near the tomb of St. Peter in Rome.  They are calling this the “Apocryphal Third Letter of St. Peter.” Biblical scholars have pored over the Greek text and have reported it contains St. Peter’s recording of his conversation with Jesus just outside the gates of Rome, following Christ’s Ascension into heaven.  “Quo... Read More

Young Family Of 8 Who Consistently Make It To Mass On Time Test Positive For Doping

The Sanderson family of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel parish become the second family to test positive for a banned substance at the 11:00 am morning Mass last month. But according to reports during the Sunday announcements, the substance involved was Opstreperezidine, a stimulant typically used to treat parents suffering from hearing the sound of “mom” and “dad” 500 times a day. This comes just weeks after the Berry’s of... Read More

Aging Priest Calls Weed ‘Devil’s Lettuce’

Pleading to those at Mass this morning to stay away from drugs, local elderly priest Fr. Herb Marinelli called weed “devil’s lettuce” in a last ditch effort to scare them from the drug. “We call it devil’s lettuce for a reason!” Marinelli yelled from the podium, gingerly pounding his fist on the pulpit. “Instead of manna from heaven that the Lord offers, the devil offers us weed—and weed, in any of its deceptive forms is evil, whether... Read More

Catholic Apologist With Fear Of Public Speaking Pictures Everyone In Audience With Bare Shoulders

Just seconds after walking on stage for his new talk on Mary, local Catholic apologist and glossophopic Jason O’Connor closed his eyes and pictured everyone in attendance with their shoulders bare in a desperate attempt to stop him from hyperventilating.   “It was really bad,” O’Connor told EOTT shortly after his talk. “It’s always bad, really. I get up there on to the sanctuary and I begin to feel real hot and begin to sweat, so... Read More

Church Creates Guidelines For Proper Veneration Of Keanu Reeves

Earlier this week, the Congregation for the Causes of Saints issued new guidelines on the proper care, handling, and veneration of Keanu Reeves. The new instructions go into 90-pages of detail on how bishops are to handle Keanu Reeves when his body and soul are “on pilgrimage” within their territory. Article 31: Keanu Reeves can be carried in pilgrimage to different places within the confines of the same diocese or eparchy. In such a case,... Read More

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