Bitter Old Man Writes Angry Letter To Vatican Using All Caps

Boonville, NC–Writing under the pen name “Nerocious,” 67-year-old Max Kroeger of Boonville, North Carolina sent an irate letter to the Vatican this week denouncing what he called the “abuse and corruption” inside the Vatican. Kroeger reported this morning that the 12,000 word letter addressed to “TO WHOM IT MUST CONCERN” was the fruit of a vigorous and ferocious one hour writing session he had had the prior evening... Read More

Area Man Gives Himself Dispensation From Mass In Honor Of Solemnity Of NFL Week 1

Baton Rouge, LA–Baton Rouge Catholic Julian White announced early Saturday that he has granted himself a dispensation from going to Mass this week in honor of the long-awaited start of the NFL season. “The dispensation is given with the recommendation that I honor week 1 of the NFL season by praying that I made the correct Fantasy lineup changes,” White said in a written statement to his wife posted on the fridge. “Furthermore,... Read More

Francis Much Better Pope Than That Other Guy We Had, Area Nominal Catholic Reports

Des Moines, IA––Telling his son that “This new pope guy is much better than that other one,” earlier this afternoon, area Catholic Bernard Ripley stressed to his son the immense difference he saw in regards to the papacy of “this Francis guy,” as opposed to “the other guy that was pope before retiring.” “That other pope, whats-his-face, was too stuck in the past,” said Ripley, who reportedly has not... Read More

Mystery Priest At Car Accident Revealed, Heralded As Courageous Man Who Wore Clerics In Public

The “Missouri Miracle” mystery priest who ministered to Katie Lentz following a head-on crash with another vehicle came forward yesterday morning and revealed himself on the National Catholic Register. Today we learn more about the courageous priest who dared to wear his clerics in public despite the ridicule he would potentially receive from other priests in the area. Officer James Rigby with the Missouri State Highway Patrol told EOTT that... Read More

First Ever “World Geriatric Day” To Take Place In Boca Raton

Pope Francis announced this morning that the location of the first ever World Geriatric Day will take place in Boca Raton, Florida next year. Just days before his arrival in Krakow, Francis told reporters that “These kids already got the idea,” and went on to express his desire to reach their grandparents, which comes as welcomed news for many elderly Catholics who have felt marginalized in the Church. 74-year-old Ruth Conway told EOTT that she... Read More

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