Rival Knights Of Columbus Councils Clash Swords Over Territory

  (Photo: Shealah Craighead) Orlando, FL–Rival councils of the Knights of Columbus clashed with one another on Friday at Our Lady of Good Intentions parish hall in Orlando, Florida, officials have confirmed. At least 12 Knights were injured. “We believe that the clash may have started after two Knights of Columbus Field Agents attempted to sell life insurance to the same prospective client,” said Supreme Council Insurance Director Gerry Kaur. Television... Read More

Pope Attends Charismatic Prayer Service To Experience What Torture Feels Like

ROME –  Pope Francis led a pep rally yesterday in Rome’s Olympic Stadium in front of more than 50,000 Catholics who follow charismatic movements. While listening to what many have termed “the most heinous music ever prayed to,” 50,000 Catholics raised their hands in unison as they prayed for Francis, who silently and repeatedly asked God Almighty to just make it stop. Francis told the faithful that the devil wants to destroy the family, which... Read More

Pope Francis Awaiting Final Approval Of Internet Troll Before Promulgating Encyclical

  VATICAN–Vatican sources are confirming that Pope Francis has nearly completed his new Encyclical Letter, and is awaiting the final approval of Reginald Edwards, an internet troll commonly known as “PiusXIIRoxII.” Edwards, who has read several paragraphs of the Catechism, three books by Peter Kreeft, and half of St. John Paul II’s “Fides et Ratio,” is universally regarded as the final authority in matters of Orthodoxy... Read More

Woman Criticizes Jesus For Giving Apostles Communion In The Hand

Trenton, NJ––Lorenza Matthews expressed disappointment last week when she noticed that, according to the Gospel accounts of the Last Supper, Jesus “gave” the Apostles his Sacred Body and told them to “take” it. “I’m a bit scandalized that Our Lord would brush aside the traditional practice of Communion on the tongue while kneeling.” When asked about her frustration, Matthews added, “We use our hands to commit all kinds of sins, and... Read More

USCCB Announces Publication Of New Mad Libs Missal

In hopes of providing the nation’s Catholic priests a way to follow the Missal, while at the same time preserving the creative outlet some need to prevent boredom, the USCCB announced today the publication of an all-new Mad Libs Roman Missal. The new Missal, due out next month, allows the presiding priest to insert the adverbs and adjectives he feels best fits the mood of that particular day. “There’s a debate in this country about why so many Catholics... Read More

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