Friend’s Excuses For Not Making It To Mass Getting Pretty Elaborate

Pittsburgh, PA–– After having skipped Mass for 11 out of the past 13 Sundays, local Catholic Michael Fremont’s excuses for why he has skipped Mass have become more and more elaborate, sources are confirming. Fremont, who reportedly says he would go to Mass every day if time and circumstances permitted, has now begun to offer concerned Catholic friends extravagant stories filled with intricate details about why he had to miss Mass. “Michael used... Read More

Rude, Ungrateful 9-Month-Old Crying All Throughout Mass

Billings, MT–In one of the most childish and ungrateful spectacles ever witnessed in St. Margaret Parish in Billings, Montana, 9-month-old Isabella Stone cried hysterically throughout Sunday morning Mass, blatantly disregarding Christ’s sacrifice on the cross for her, sources are reporting. Little Isabella, who has had a 9-month track-record of not appreciating anything that Christ has done for her, and who clearly does not act as one who has... Read More

Parishioner Can’t Begin To Explain How Important All The Symbolism Is In Tridentine Mass

Atlanta, GA–Local Tridentine Mass-goer Desmond Wilson reported to friends today that it was difficulty and nearly impossible for him to even begin to explain all of the subtle and nuanced symbolism contained in the Latin Mass. “It’s like…I mean, everything…literally everything means something,” Wilson whispered to friends during their first ever Tridentine Mass. “And all of those ‘somethings’ are so important. That’s why I prefer... Read More

Most Doctrinally Sound Sermon Given On The Catholic Faith In Past Three Decades Unfortunately Given By Protestant Pastor

San Marcos, CA–What some are calling the most mesmerizing, breathtaking, and doctrinally sound sermons delivered on the Catholic Faith in the past three decades was unfortunately given at the noon service at Deluge Community Church in San Marcos, California last Sunday. “It was so thrilling to learn about what the Catholic Church teaches,” said cradle-Catholic Helen Seymour, who accidentally stumbled into the Protestant church service during... Read More

Search Intensifies For Missing Reverence During Mass

More than five dozen searchers scoured the Sierra Nevada foothills for the missing reverence at a Mass at the Church of St. Margaret Mary Alacoque yesterday. Reverence was due to appear promptly for the 9am Mass, but two hours after the Mass had concluded, a search began with helicopters, including a National Guard Blackhawk, looking for any signs of reverence. Using thermal infrared technology, searchers have still not been able to locate any clues to... Read More

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