Man Fasting From Meat On Fridays Turns On Inner Kobayashi Minutes Before Clock Strikes Midnight
March 19, 2015 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Noticing that he only had minutes before the clock struck midnight, local Catholic Marc Oliver turned on his inner Kobayashi and was able to devour a personal record of hot dogs in just minutes, sources are confirming. “I had lost track of time, but luckily I had my hot dogs lined up with two cups of water in the dining room,” Oliver said, adding that both cups of water were strictly for dipping and softening the bread. “I’ve been drinking... Read More
Man On Catholic Match About Ready To Message-Bomb 130 Women
March 9, 2015 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Friends of longtime Catholic Match subscriber Chuck-50012 told authorities today that he was in the development stages of a mega-message bomb that could potentially hit 130 woman across the nation. The 34-year-old web developer from San Luis Obispo, California reportedly told friends recently that he was just months away from unleashing a “love bomb” on the last 130 women on the popular dating site that he has not yet messaged. “He’s clearly an... Read More
U.S. Bishops Petition Holy See To Mandate Hand Squeeze Following Doxology
March 2, 2015 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
At a press conference today in the nation’s capital, Cardinal Emeritus Roger Mahoney of Los Angeles announced that the USCCB is petitioning the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Sacraments to require that parishioners give a “good, humanity affirming squeeze” following the doxology which concludes the Lord’s Prayer during Mass. “God’s people have been spontaneously doing this for years anyway,” Mahoney told... Read More
Local Catholic To Substitute Medium Deep Dish Stuffed-Crust Pizza For Meat On Fridays During Lent
February 19, 2015 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Local Catholic Ronny Edison announced today at a local Papa John’s Pizza that he was officially not eating meat on Fridays during Lent, in accord with teachings of the Church. The 24-year-old cradle Catholic explained to strangers waiting in line the reason why he had not ordered pepperoni or sausage on his pizza, saying that Catholics were forbidden to eat meat during Lent, going on to remind them that they too were obliged to fast if any of... Read More
Catholic Dimwit Didn’t Even Know Wednesday Ashes Come From Cremated Pets
February 17, 2015 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Local Catholic dimwit Elton Price admitted to friends today that he had absolutely no clue that ashes used during Ash Wednesday Masses came from cremated pets. The parish ignoramus, who up until last week didn’t even know that Catholics worship Mary, thought that ashes actually came from branches used in the prior year’s Palm Sunday services, one friends reported to EOTT. “Elton has never been the sharpest tool in the shed,” longtime friend Richard... Read More