Nominal Catholic Parents Just Going To Kick Back And Let Son’s Religious Ed Teacher Do All The Work

Declaring that they didn’t have the knowledge or will to properly catechize their son, local nominal Catholic parents Bert and Donna Tomlinson told the press today that they were officially leaving their son’s eternal salvation in the hands of his catechism teacher. “Yes, as a Religious Ed teacher, one of my duties is to make sure that my students learn about the things most parents don’t have time for, like Jesus and salvation.” Anthony Spalding... Read More

Woman Wearing Mantilla During Novus Ordo Clearly Batshit Crazy

Pointing out the batshit crazy woman wearing a mantilla during a Novus Ordo Mass, local Catholic J.D. White told reporters today that the religious freak had even knelt to receive communion on the tongue as if to show off how holy she was. “I’ll be honest when I say that I’m a bit afraid of the wacko,” White told reporters as he continually checked for the veiled religious zealot to appear with a bomb strapped to her chest or something like that.... Read More

Report: Some People Actually Go To Adoration At Two In The Morning

Image: Nheyob According to a report out today by the USCCB, some Catholics actually wake up in the middle of the night and go to Holy Hour instead of going right back to sleep and waiting to go some time during the day when they’re not sleeping. “It was shocking to learn that a very small number of Catholics actually wake up in the middle of the night to go to adoration, or they don’t go to sleep at all until they return from adoration,” said USCCB... Read More

Coolest Catholic Guy In Parish Calls Jesus “JC”

According to friends of the coolest Catholic guy in the parish, local parishioner Cameron Young calls Jesus “JC,” although JC is not the Lord’s name and never has been. “Cameron’s always saying cool things like, ‘praise JC,’ and ‘give your life over to JC.’” Friend of Cameron, Joshua Stein said. “He makes the Catholic religion so hip and relevant that I always wanna pray to JC. And I’m Jewish.” Stein went on to say that although... Read More

St. Joseph Of Cupertino Sick Of Bailing Out Students Who Did Not Study For Test

Speaking to fellow saints in Heaven today, Franciscan saint Joseph of Cupertino announced that he was “simply fed up” with bailing out lazy students who “hardly even cracked open their books to study.” “Let me begin by saying that I am in no way telling people not to pray to me,” a visibly frustrated Joseph of Cupertino said as he levitated above reporters. “But if you think I’m stupid enough to continue helping you when you clearly haven’t... Read More

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