Pope Infallibly Declares Nutella Overrated
December 2, 2015 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Image: A.Kniesel In a stunning declaration this morning, Pope Francis shocked many Vatican observers when he declared that Nutella, the popular hazelnut chocolate spread, as “completely overrated.” “I declare,” said the Pope from his seat at St. John Lateran, “that through my office as shepherd and teacher of all Christians, and by virtue of my supreme apostolic authority, I hereby declare that Nutella shall henceforth be known as just kind of... Read More
“Habemus Papas Fritas!” Waiter Joyfully Announces To Cheering Crowd At Local Restaurant
October 28, 2015 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Image: Keith McDuffee Papas Fritas, sliced potato batons deep-fried in oily goodness, was elected as the next dish up Tuesday evening as an eager, hungry crowd at a local eatery cheered in excitement. The crowd at table 10 cheered for some seconds as their waiter emerged onto the top step leading out of the kitchen with a hot plate in hand. “Fratelli e sorelle carissimi,” the waiter began. “Queridísimos hermanos y hermanas. Bien chers frères et... Read More
Kanye West Announces Bid For The Papacy
September 2, 2015 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Kanye West performing at Lollapalooza on April 3, 2011 in Chile.Photo credit: rodrigoferrari Kanye West has reportedly announced plans to run for the papacy during Sunday night’s MTV Video Music Awards. In a candid and sincere speech at the VMAs, the 38-year-old rapper concluded his remarks by announcing a papal bid for the election after Pope Francis retired. “I don’t know what I finna lose after this. It don’t matter, though; It’s not... Read More
USCCB Approves Initiative To Round All Traditionally Built Churches By End Of Next Year
August 26, 2015 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Members of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops announced that they have approved an initiative to “round out” all remaining traditionally built churches by the end of next year, USCCB secretary to the president bishop Jonathon Garner announced early this morning. “This is a long time coming,” an ecstatic Garner told EOTT. “We’re excited to finally give all parishioners the opportunity to finally get more involved in the Mass.” Garner... Read More
New “Straight Out Of Assisi” Movie Documents Rise Of Famed Rapper Fr. Stan Fortuna
August 13, 2015 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
In 1990 a groundbreaking new Franciscan Friars of the Renewal rapper revolutionized Catholic music and pop culture, changing and influencing liturgical hip-hop forever. Fr. Stan Fortuna’s first album, “Straight Outta Assisi,” stirred controversy with its brutally honest depiction of life in the friary. With guidance from veteran cardinal John Joseph O’Connor, Fortuna navigated his way through the industry and seminary, acquiring fame,... Read More