Uber To Begin Offering Sacrament Delivery With New UberMass App
February 8, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Image: Alexander Torrenegra Uber has announced plans to begin offering Mass deliveries beginning early next year. Attempting to expand beyond the borders of ridesharing and food delivery, Uber will launch its UberMass service in Grand Rapids, Michigan before expanding to other cities later in the year. According to listings on a number of job recruiting websites, UberMass is advertising for a number of “priest jobs” not only ranging from saying Mass,... Read More
Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick Pleased With How Deal With The Devil Coming Along
February 6, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Image: Keith Allison In what many are calling the most exciting deal a human being has ever made with the Devil, The New England Patriots came back from a 28-3 deficit to win their fifth Super Bowl. Under the leadership of the damned soul of the Patriots head coach, which was signed over to the Devil in 2002 in a blockbuster contract, Belichick, under the guidance of Satan, was able script the most miraculous comeback in Super Bowl history for quarterback... Read More
Traditionalist-Charismatic Catholic Believes Only Men Should Play Guitar During Mass
January 31, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Local traditionalist-charismatic Catholic Keith Hubbard announced to friends late Monday night that he believed that, according to the ancient traditions of the charismatic Church, women should not be permitted to play the guitar during Mass. “I think the Church’s insistence that only fingers belonging to a male ought to strum or pluck the strings of a guitar during Mass is a way of telling the faithful that the lead guitarist takes on a sort of in... Read More
Catholic Rock Band Not Surprised To Learn They’re Going Hell
January 27, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Image: Feliciano Guimarães Just days after completing their whirlwind three-parish praise and worship tour, Catholic rock band Smug Self-Righteous Gutter Trash were saddened, though not the least bit surprised, to find out they were all doomed to eternal hellfire for their music. Gutter Trash lead singer Koby Doyle told EOTT this morning that he and his fellow bandmates learned of the news just after a concert when “the angel of the Lord appeared... Read More
New Protestant “Achilles’ Heel Free Bible” Omits Matthew 16:18, Book of James
January 19, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Protestant book publisher Branch Of A Branch Publishing announced today the publication of their new Achilles’ Heel Free Bible, which is said to omit Matthew 16:18 and The Book of James. Branch Of A Branch Publishing founder and president Pastor Blake Williams told EOTT this morning that he “thought it time to relieve the stress from Protestants who stumble across awkward passages while studying the Good Word.” “We all obviously... Read More