Woman Who Gave Up Gossip For Lent Really Looking Forward To Sunday

St. James Catholic Church parishioner Lydia Valdez, who gave up gossip for Lent, announced to friends late last night that she could not wait until Sunday so that she could catch up on all the gossip. The 29-year-old mother of two told friends that she was excited to hear about what “really happened with Liz.” “I overheard a couple co-workers talking about what Liz in accounting really got fired for,” Valdez told EOTT. “I wanna break my fast... Read More

Major Seismic Activity Recorded After Cantor’s Overuse Of Vibrato  

Several small earthquakes have been recorded over the past day in Southern California after St. Agatha Catholic Church cantor Beverly Hope overused her vibrato during Mass. The most recent was earlier this morning in La Mesa, California, but experts say that earthquakes occur nearly every Sunday across the country, especially during the Recessional. Director of Earthquake Studies at Holy Trinity Catholic Church in Glendale, California Tom Stewart has... Read More

Ushers Boldly Enter Church For Unprecedented Fourth Collection

In what many are calling a supernatural display of audacity, ushers at St. Perpetua Catholic Church have made their way back into the church for a record breaking fourth collection. “Everyone has been through two collections,” St. Perpetua parishioner Dorothy Arlen told EOTT after Mass. “A few of us can even remember the now legendary 2014 Second Sunday of Lent Collection Caper when a third collection was taken up for retired priests or something.... Read More

Passive-Aggressive Priest Suggests Screaming Toddler Finish Homily For Him

Local pastor Fr. Ron Porter was forced to stop midway through his homily Sunday morning to passive-aggressively attempt to quiet an unruly toddler. Porter reportedly stopped several times during the course of his homily before finally telling his parishioners that perhaps “the little one in the back” wanted to go right ahead and finish his homily for him. “It’s not like I didn’t spend a lot of time on it or anything,” Porter said before chuckling... Read More

Gregory The Great Wins Grammy For Best Chant

Saint Gregory the Great was awarded the Grammy for Best Chant last night at the 61st annual Grammy Awards. Accepting his award for ‘Salve’ the Roman artist paid tribute to Jesus Christ, whom he said he loved “like a father.” “I can’t possibly accept this award,” a clearly emotional Gregory said in his acceptance speech. “I’m very humble and I’m grateful and gracious, but the music of my life is Corsican,... Read More

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