Church Holds Fundraiser To Purchase New La-Z-Boy Recliner For Perpetual Adoration Chapel

  Several sources confirmed today that St. Vincent Ferrer Catholic Church has begun its fundraising campaign to raise money to purchase a brand new La-Z-Boy for the adoration chapel. “We’re really hoping to attract more people to sign up for the midnight to about 5 am adoration slot,” said church council member Rhonda Valdez. “Getting people to sign up during the day has never been an issue, but when it comes to those late night, early morning... Read More

Emo Priest Only Says Requiem Masses

  Local emo priest Fr. Evan Richards announced to parishioners at Mass this morning that he would no longer be saying any Masses that were not strictly Requiem Masses. “From here on out, I’ll only be saying Masses for the deceased,” a depressed and emotional sounding Richards said from the pulpit as he played with his lip ring with his tongue. “I don’t know…it’s just…I guess it just seems like everyone... Read More

Vegan CrossFit Couple Won’t Shut Up About NFP

  Friends of vegan and CrossFit enthusiast couple Tim and Samantha Warland expressed frustration this week after the newlywedded couple reportedly “would not shut the heck up” about Natural Family Planning (NFP). Sources close to the newlyweds tell EOTT that it didn’t take long after the couple returned from an NFP talk for friends to take notice of their new obsession. “We never really thought it could get worse than Tim... Read More

Parish Council Places Severed Horse Head On Pastor’s Bed As A Warning

Local pastor Fr. Richard Woltz woke up beside the severed head of his prize thoroughbred this morning after refusing a request from parish council leader Vito Cangialosi to allow his godson to participate as an altar boy at the upcoming Easter Vigil. An anonymous source told EOTT that just days after Cangialosi’s godson, Anthony Fontane, asked his godfather to pressure Fr. Woltz into giving him altar boy duties, Cangialosi sent parish council representative... Read More

Cohabiting Couple Careful To Observe Fish On Fridays

Local Catholic couple Jenny Barkley and David Rondo, who have been cohabiting for two years with no intention of marrying, announced to friends during lunch today that they would have to stick to fish options due to the Lenten fast. “I grew up super Catholic,” Barkley said. “My mom would kill me if she found out we weren’t observing the Church’s laws on abstinence…from meat.” Rondo agreed with his girlfriend, but also said that... Read More

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