Attention Whore Kneels To Receive Communion

Image: Paterm Parishioners in southwest Indiana confirmed today that new parishioner Adriana Lambert is nothing more than a holier-than-thou, attention seeking parasite after she was seen kneeling to receive communion. According to several eyewitnesses, 32-year-old Lambert, who was also seen wearing a mantilla “like some wanna be nun who didn’t have the guts to commit to the religious life” walked up to Fr. Kevin O’Donnell... Read More

Man Left With No Option But To Attend Spanish Mass

After spending nearly an hour online trying to find a Mass to attend after his flight lands Sunday evening, Timothy Brown of La Jolla, California came to terms this morning with the unhappy realization that he had no other option but to attend the Spanish Mass. “I mean, listen, I know Mass is Mass no matter the language, but I’d just prefer English,” Brown told EOTT. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Mexicans…they’re great and they have a beautiful... Read More

Catholic Woman Who Moved In With Boyfriend 8 Years Ago Confident He’ll Be Proposing Any Day Now

  Local Catholic Becky Donaldson confirmed this week that she is absolutely confident that her live-in boyfriend of eight years, Kevin Reynolds,  will soon be proposing. “I’m just so excited,” a teary-eyed Donaldson told some of her girlfriends gathered at a local restaurant last night. “We’ve been waiting until we’re in a financially comfortable situation. I mean, we were financially comfortable a few years ago, and then he bought... Read More

Altar Boy with Napkin May Have Missed Germ Or Two During Veneration

  An altar boy is under investigation this week after several sources at St. John the Baptist Catholic Church reported witnessing a “mark” that looked “a lot like lipstick” left on the crucifix that was being used for veneration during Good Friday services. According to an altar boy who was assisting the young man, pressure was unlike anything he’s witnessed in his tenure as Second in Command Candle Bearer. “It was a deluge of saliva-coated... Read More

Ushers Forcibly Remove Communicant After Overbooked Palm Sunday Mass Runs Out Of Communion Hosts

Image:Felix Burton   A video posted late Sunday evening shows a parishioner in a Palm Sunday Mass at St. Isidore Catholic Parish being forcibly removed from church just before communion. The video taken from an aisle seat a few pews behind the man being removed shows other parishioners reciting the Agnus Dei. The 33-second clip goes on to show three ushers wearing radio equipment speaking with a man seated in his pew. After a few moments, one of the... Read More

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