Following Mark Wahlberg’s lead, Kevin James asks God to forgive him for “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”

  Just days after actor Mark Wahlberg statement that he regretted portraying a porn star in Boogie Nights, fellow Catholic actor Kevin James announced today that he hopes God wouldn’t hold the movie Paul Blart: Mall Cop against him. James told EOTT this afternoon that he hopes “that God is not a movie fan and also forgiving” because he says he’s made some “poor choices” over the years. Among those movies James listed were,... Read More

Brother Scores Hot Date With Sister To Homeschool Prom

  Nebraska homeschooler Jimmy White was overjoyed early Tuesday morning when his sister Jenna White accepted his proposal to go to homeschool prom with him. The homeschool senior told EOTT that he was nervous thinking about how embarrassed he would be if his sister rejected him. “I had butterflies all week,” Jimmy White told EOTT as he pointed at Jenna (who has an uncanny resemblance to her older brother) from across the room. “All I kept imagining... Read More

Man Clinging To Aisle Seat Like Grim Death

  A man in his late 50’s is clinging like grim death to the aisle seat and giving no signs of giving up his spot no matter the cost, several witnesses at Our Lady of the Rosary parish are reporting. The unidentified man, who reportedly showed up to church 20 minutes prior to the start of Mass, is said to not even stand when parishioners pass him. “I mean, I understand he wants the aisle seat—we all do—but at least stand up to let us through,”... Read More

Study Finds Wearing Mantilla Increases Confession Time By 2,500%

  New research published by Christendom College suggests that the wearing of a mantilla dramatically increases the wearers time spent in confession by up to 2,500%. The researchers stated that among the most important elements they studied was the amount of time spent confessing sins that were not actually sins, as well as past sins that, for some reason or another, they found necessary to confess again. “For some mysterious reason, the mantilla... Read More

USCCB Forbids Catholic Organizations From Creating Anything That Looks Even Remotely Close To Being In The Same Vicinity As Up-to-Date

  USCCB spokesman, Bishop Roger Belvedere confirmed this week that any Catholic organization attempting to make themselves appear current will be suppressed, as “anything that appears technologically modern is directly contrary to the Holy Spirit.” “Everything from websites to event flyers to marketing materials will be monitored and under careful scrutiny beginning this week,” Belvedere told the press. “In addition, we will soon begin the... Read More

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