LeBron James Becomes Priest; Carries Catholic Church On Back

Image: Andrew Hermiz   Just days after carrying the Cleveland Cavaliers to yet another NBA finals, LeBron James announced that he would be joining the priesthood so as to help carry the Catholic Church on his back. James, who converted to Catholicism the morning after the big win versus the Boston Celtics, was confirmed and ordained a priest, telling those in the congregation that he felt that it was time to leave the Cavs and to “take his talents... Read More

Parishioner Who Makes 350K A Year Anonymously Slips $20 Bill Into Donation Envelope With A Little Wink To Heaven

  According to several reports from Heaven, well-to-do parishioner Herbert Edward Kingsley III took out a crisp $20 bill from his bill fold last Sunday, before secretly placing it into the donation basket. One saint that saw Kingsley’s Godlike humility was longtime saint Thomas Aquinas who said that all that he had seen in Heaven now seemed like straw compared to that which he had witnessed early Sunday morning on earth. “Truly remarkable,”... Read More

Mark Shea Bans Self From Facebook Page

  After hours of banning people from his personal Facebook page, well-known Catholic author and blogger Mark Shea has reportedly banned himself from his own page. “I think we’ve all had enough of his ultra-conservative, communist, pro-life, liberal, pro-abortion, hyper-Catholic, godless, split personality ways,” Shea wrote in a recent blog condemning himself. The decision to ban himself comes on the heels of Shea officially banning... Read More

Jason Evert Warns Against Premarital Speaking In New Talk To Teens

  Prominent chastity speaker Jason Evert Monday morning warned students at St. Joseph Catholic High School against the temptation to speak to people of the opposite sex until marriage, saying it could lead to premarital sex. “It’s definitely a gateway to sex,” Evert told EOTT after the hour-long talk. “We need to not only stay away from near occasions of sin, but away from occasions that might lead us to occasions that will lead to other occasions... Read More

Badass Priest Hears Own Confession

According to several sources this week, well-known local badass priest Fr. Blaze Gunner heard his own confession. “Father Gunner is such a badass,” said longtime parishioner Debbie Ratner. “He bilocated once so that while he was delivering a homily, he could, at the same exact time also go outside and have a cigarette before putting it out on his tongue. The man’s a legend.” Ratner also told EOTT she had once witnessed the cool that is Fr. Blaze... Read More

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