Frustrated New Priest Still Hasn’t Nailed Down Consecration

  Sadly admitting he had yet to figure out how other priests “did it,” newly ordained Fr. Christian Benson told EOTT this morning that he was still struggling with “the whole consecration part.” “I got the entrance and opening down, and I do a pretty decent job with the homily and all the rest, but the consecration, I don’t know…I just can’t grasp how to transubstantiate,” said Benson, who, at his most recent attempt at the consecration... Read More

Permanent Deacon Has An Assistant And Office For Some Reason

  Walking into St. John of the Cross Parish office to deliver their marriage certificate this week, newly wedded Jack and Helen Trumble confirmed that Deacon Donald Mathers has, for some reason, an assistant. “We were actually shocked when we learned he had a desk of his own,” said Jack Trumble. “But then we noticed he, God only knows why, actually had an office too…with his name on the door. We thought that was kinda weird seeing as how... Read More

Franciscan University Of Steubenville Student With No Tongue Having Trouble Speaking In Tongues

  Classmates of local Franciscan University Of Steubenville junior Connie Prebis told EOTT this morning that they feared that their friend was in danger of being expelled if she did not quickly learn to speak in tongues. Prebis’ roommate Ashley Barnes recently told EOTT in French, a language she claims to have never spoken before, that, “I know it’s hard for her—with no tongue and all, but she’s just gotta find a way to manage. It’s obviously... Read More

Christendom College Freshman Finally Engaged

Image:AgnosticPreachersKid   Christendom College faculty and students celebrated today as one of the last remaining unwed students “finally” got engaged. Those who witnessed the proposal, which took place in the adoration chapel, told EOTT today that freshman Marie Elizabeth Therese Townsend was proposed to by longtime courter, Alex Sandoval. “It’s about gosh darn time,” Alice Montgomery, a friend of Townsend, said as she adjusted her hair... Read More

TAC Alumnus Actually Seems Pretty Normal So Far, New Acquaintances Agree

  Local Thomas Aquinas College alumnus Marcus Donavon actually came across as being a surprisingly regular guy, new acquaintances of the graduate told EOTT just hours after meeting him. “Well, he was pretty normal until we found out that he was a TAC grad,” one new acquaintance, Kevin Purcell, told EOTT. “I mean, there wasn’t anything in particular that seemed off about him, except for the hipster European chain-smoker vibe he gave off. But... Read More

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