Report: Most Of The Sins You’ve Ever Confessed Were Not Forgiven Because The Priest Used The Wrong Formula Of Absolution

  A report released today by the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith has revealed that most, if not all, of the sins you’ve ever confessed in your lifetime were never actually forgiven due to the use of improper absolution. According to the 76-page report, which took into account forgotten or neglected words, as well as coughs and sneezes during absolution, which clearly negates and supersedes the priest’s intent to absolve, almost every... Read More

USCCB Approves New ‘The Word On The Street’ Translation Of The Lord Of The Rings

  The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops announced today that they have officially approved a new “The Word on the Street” translation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings. “Our aim is not only to get this wonderful classic into the hands of the youth, but to have them fully understand what Tolkien’s words actually mean,” USCCB spokesman Jeffrey Kerrigan said in a press conference earlier this afternoon. “It’s not enough... Read More

Family To Withhold Weekly One Dollar Tithe Until They Receive Answers

  Longtime parishioners of Holy Cross Parish, the Keatons, have angrily informed their pastor that they will be withholding their weekly dollar donation until they “receive answers” from the Vatican. “So long as Pope Francis remains silent, we will not be donating!” the Keaton family told parishioners outside Holy Cross during Mass. “Think of it this way—his Holiness has already cost this parish close to three dollars. They’re clearly... Read More

Pastor Announces Winner Of Third Annual Most Irrelevant Parishioner Award

  Samuel Cummings last night was awarded this year’s Most Irrelevant Parishioner of the Year Award at St. Mary Magdalene Parish. Cummings, who had been nominated for the award for three consecutive years was finally given the prestigious award for his work in Gum Chewing And Overall Spiritual Apathy. Runner up, Tobias Garner, told EOTT that he was proud of Cummings, saying that he truly deserved the award for his work in Not Paying Attention... Read More

New National Catholic Reporter Study Shows 99% More Catholics Attend Holy Day Of Obligation When Called Holy Day Of Opportunity

  A new study out today by the National Catholic Reporter Institute says that 99% of Catholics are more likely to attend Mass on a Holy Day of Obligation if it’s called a “Holy Day of Opportunity.” President of the institute Robert Donavan told EOTT that while it’s the same Mass and obligation, most people did not like being told what to do. “The fact is that if people believe that they’re being invited to, as opposed to forced to come... Read More

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