Study: Enjoying Candy Corn A Spiritual Defect

In what researchers are calling a spiritual defect, a new study published Tuesday by the Vatican confirmed that of all the types of candy one can enjoy, Candy Corn is “by far the worst and most sinful to enjoy.” “Despite all the amazing candies on the market, research has found that Candy Corn is as deceptive as the devil, because it is of the devil,” said researcher Candice Mckenzie. “It does not taste like candy, and it... Read More

Survey: 88% Of Evangelicals Consider Eating Chick-fil-A A Form Of Tithing

  According to a new survey out today by the Evangelical Institute of Spiritual Health reveals that 88% of evangelicals in the United States believe that eating Chick-fil-A is a form of tithing. “Most of those who took part in the survey said that shoveling down a Spicy Chicken Sandwich or Chick-n-Strips from Chick-fil-A while zesty buffalo sauce dripped down the side of their mouth was equivalent to, if not altogether more spiritually beneficial,... Read More

Color Blind Priest Having Trouble Doing The Red, Saying The Black

  Explaining his frustrations at not being able to properly do the red and say the black in his missal during Mass, local color blind priest Father Richard Wendell asked congregants to try as best as they can to just ignore him. “…quia peccavi nimis cogitatione, verbo, et opera strike breast three times, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa,” Wendell said aloud, realizing he had made yet another mistake as people began to murmur. “You gotta... Read More

Local Parish Abandons Mass So As Not To Distract From Parishioners’ Conversations

  Local pastor Fr. Robert Dunn reported to his congregation in the parish newsletter this morning that beginning the week after Christmas, all Masses were to be replaced by an hour of “straight-up fellowship.” This news came as no shock to many of the parishioners who said that the Mass had been disintegrating for some time before the announcement was made official. “Oh yeah, we saw this coming a mile away,” said 43-year-old parishioner Jacob... Read More

Groundbreaking New Drug Helps Parishioners Cope With Devastating Sound Of Church Band Playing During Mass

  A new anti-anxiety drug called Xanoft is now being offered to parishioners as young as five-years-old to help curb the devastating effects of the sound of bad church music, scientist are reporting. The drug, which many parishioners are calling a “miracle,” is said to be able to soften the senses to the sounds of guitar, tambourine, and other instruments when played inside of a Church. “It’s the most amazing drug on the market,” said local... Read More

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