Study: Yes, God Loves You, But That Doesn’t Necessarily Mean He Likes You

  Confirming the centuries-old belief that God, for some weird reason, loves everyone, researchers at the Vatican said this morning that they now believe that that fact does not necessarily mean that he likes everyone. “Our latest data proves beyond a reasonable doubt that there are a ton of pricks out there,” said lead researcher Dr. Luigi Antonello, adding that researchers found that there was seriously no way in the world that anyone, even... Read More

Report: God Cares More About Your Team Winning Than Anything Else In The World

  A team of the most renowned theologians in the world gathered in Hamburg, Germany this week to discuss the importance of your favorite team as it relates to God’s plan for humanity have confirmed that the Lord does, in fact, care about nothing more than your team winning the big game. The report stated that prayers said to God for your favorite team to absolutely decimate the other team in this week’s big match up was the most important thing... Read More

Newly Ordained Priest Probably Thinks He’s Some Sort Of Big Shot Now

  Explaining that his longtime friend Father Daniel Patros probably thought he was some sort of big shot or something like that ever since his ordination to the priesthood last week, Adam Rubin sat down with friends this morning to explain his frustrations. “I mean, simply based on what I’ve seen over the past week or so since Daniel was ordained, he definitely thinks he’s like this big shot now,” Rubin stated, explaining how ever since Patros... Read More

Church Band Plays ‘Baby Jesus’ To The Tune Of ‘Baby Shark’ During Communion

  Asking parishioners to turn to page 341 of their hymnals this past Sunday, lead cantor of St. Barbara Catholic Church asked everyone to “Please follow along as we sing ‘Baby Jesus’ to the tune of ‘Baby Shark,’” in keeping with the Christmas spirit. “After some debate two weeks ago, we decided that, in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, we ought to sing ‘Baby Jesus’ as we have been doing during communion, but this time, to the... Read More

Study: 92% Of Single Catholics Stop Praying For Spouse Mere Seconds Before God Would Have Answered Their Prayer

  In a new study published today by The League Of Single Catholics, nearly 93% of all Catholics quit praying for a spouse, or show signs of doubt in God’s love, just seconds before He would have given them the man or woman of their dreams. Head of the study Robin Longwood said that more than nine out of ten single Catholics decide to stop praying either because they’ve been praying for someone to love for years and are ready to give up, or... Read More

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