Idiot Middle Schooler Asks If She Can Pray For The Devil

After having been asked for the ninth consecutive week whether the devil could one day go to heaven “if he said sorry and acted good from now on,” local middle school teacher Janice Shiffman acknowledged Monday that she has clearly underestimated just how dumb some student questions can be at times. “The middler schooler in question constantly asks questions like whether she can pray for the devil, even though I’ve told... Read More

Local Man Giving Up For Lent

Telling friends that he had been considering “going big” for Lent for some time now, local parishioner Mike Harvey confirmed Wednesday that he was finally ready to commit to giving up for Lent. “Usually, I just give up something lame like sweets or coffee, but by the time Easter comes around, I never really feel like I’ve done enough,” said Harvey, adding that he knew a few friends who had given up for Lent and... Read More

Catholic Anti-Vaxxer Doesn’t Trust Doctors Of The Church

In response to criticisms from friends for her decision to not immunize her children from long-eradicated heresies, local Catholic anti-vaxxer Cheri Allen told EOTT this morning that, though the Doctors of the Church were entitled to their opinion, it was ultimately her right to choose by what means she would catechize her children. “Here’s the thing—I’m obviously not a Doctor of the Church, but I have read a lot about this online,... Read More

Man Disappointed After Witnessing Attractive Woman In Third Pew Holding Hands During Our Father

While visiting a new parish last Sunday, 24-year-old Dominic Newman reported seeing an attractive woman seated several pews ahead of him, whom he had been chastely eyeing as a potential wife. His quickly escalating dreams of marrying her and raising a good Catholic family were hopelessly dashed, though, after catching her in the disgraceful act of holding hands during the Our Father. “That was, to say the least, a huge let down,” Newman... Read More

Local Man Pretty Confident He Just Scored A Relic Of St. Michael the Archangel

  Gazing in compete awe and wonder, local Catholic Herbert Shepherd was reportedly astonished Tuesday after finding what he believed to be a first class relic of St. Michael the Archangel while sitting on a park bench. “I was sitting, eating my lunch and minding my own business when, what should fall from the sky and land beside me—a white feather.” Shepherd told EOTT, adding that he remembered a flock of birds flying above him as he dropped to... Read More

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