Fr. Zuhlsdorf Installs Electric Altar Rails; 2 Women Injured

It is being reported that the two unidentified Catholics who rushed the altar this morning to assist Fr. John Zuhlsdorf during the Mass were injured after they were shocked by electric altar rails installed by the priest. The well-known Catholic priest and blogger told EOTT that he initially did not know what happened. “I was preparing to have the electrified rails turned off so I could distribute Holy Communion when I heard the sound of something... Read More

Area Catholic Preparing To Be Notified About Dirt On Forehead All Day Long

Watertown, MN––While receiving ashes on his forehead at St. Ignatius Catholic Church in Watertown, Minnesota early this morning, area Catholic Trevor Davis fervently prayed for patience to endure what he expected to be a “long day filled with well-intentioned, yet obnoxious remarks” about the dirt on his forehead. “Look, here’s the deal,” he reportedly told St. Monica, the Patron Saint of Patience, as he returned to... Read More

“Extraordinary Mass Should Not Be The Norm,” Extraordinary Minister Of Holy Communion Reporting

Pigeon Forge, Tennessee––Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion Ernest Robbins is reporting to friends and family that the Extraordinary Form of the Liturgy “should never become the norm,” but that it should “remain true to its name…extraordinary.”  “I don’t know…I just feel that Vatican II helped us move into a new era in the Church, and I guess I just don’t wanna see us move backwards,”... Read More

“Our Father” Ringtone Conveniently Goes Off During “Our Father,” Keeping Everyone In Key

Topeka, KS–According to sources at Our Lady Star of the Sea Parish in Topeka, Kansas, a phone belonging to an unidentified person went off early Sunday morning during the Our Father, despite the pastor’s repeated requests that all parishioners turn off their cell phones. “Isn’t it just a switch to turn your phone to vibrate?” Fr. Howard Davidow asked reporters. “I mean, my phone has this nifty little button, and when... Read More

Female Parishioners Upset That Men Not Also Being Asked To “Set The Altar” Before Mass

Baker, OR–Female Parishioners at St. John Bosco Parish in Baker, Oregon have sent a letter to Bishop Liam Cary accusing their pastor Fr. Maurice Alvarez as well as Deacon Bob Ley of sexism and chauvinism. The one-page complaint letter alleges, among other things, that Alvarez “sits back in the rectory with Deacon Bob every Sunday before Mass, laughing it up, while the women are made to dress the altar and do all the little things around... Read More

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