Tostitos Fiesta Pentecost Mass One Of Many New Church Sponsorships

Alameda, CA–Following a string of church closures around the country, St. Stephen Parish in Alameda, California has announced plans to have their upcoming Pentecost Mass sponsored by Tostitos. The move comes just months after Los Angeles Bishop Jose Gomez officially changed the name of the city’s cathedral from Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels to The Buffalo Wild Wings Cathedral. Pastor of St. Stephen Parish Fr. Duncan Conway told reporters... Read More

New Text Message Mass All The Rage At Gonzaga University

Spokane, Washington–Expressing sadness for the lack of attention from parishioners during Sunday Masses, Gonzaga University priest Fr. John Conti has recently instituted an all new “Text-Message-Only Mass.” The Gonzaga graduate who just celebrated his 15th anniversary of priesthood told reporters that the idea came to him as he sat listening to the deacon read the epistle. “I looked out and saw all these college kids reading texts... Read More

USCCB To Consider Implementing Challenge Flags And Instant Replays During Masses

“Parishioners are challenging the orthodoxy of the homily.” Washington, D.C.–As bishops from across the country gather in Washington, D.C. this weekend for the annual USCCB Liturgical Conference, many within the Church are speculating about rumors that U.S. bishops may vote on a proposal to implement instant replay for every Mass starting in 2014. The idea of using instant replay cameras during Mass was first proposed in 2009 by then... Read More

“Why Ain’t Nobody Singin’ Back the Responsory?” Lector Wondering. “My Arms Is Raised Up High Like They Supposed To Be”

Knoxville, TN––Lector at St. Hildegund Catholic Church in Nashville, Tennessee Helen Banks is currently questioning why parishioners are neglecting to sing the Responsory after clearly being given the cue to respond. “Why ain’t hardly nobody singin’?” Banks is thinking to herself as she raises up her arms in the air for yet another attempt. “‘The Lord has done great things for us…we are filled with joy.’ Nothing?... Read More

Catholic School Children Offended By Dumbed Down Homily

El Centro, CA–Students at St. Therese of Carmel Acadamy walked out of Mass confounded earlier this morning after parish priest Fr. Ted Cordova delivered an over simplified homily about the Lord’s command to forgive “not seven but seventy-seven times.” “My mind’s still totally blown away with how stupid Fr. Ted thinks we are,” 8th grader Mary Brueland told Eye of the Tiber as she tried to make sense of the... Read More

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