Family Fighting For Good Seats At Christmas Mass With The Zeal Of 12th Century Crusaders
Reporting that he and his family had been forced from their aisle seat just minutes after acquiring it, 48-year-old Brenden O’Malley told EOTT moments ago that he would “not rest till his aisle seat was once again reclaimed.” “Beset, as I was, and routed from my aisle seat by congregants that only attend the Holy Mass on Christmas and Easter, my family and I surrendered our aisle unwillingly during this the 5th minute of the... Read More
Rookie Monk Out For Advent Season With High Tonsure Sprain
St. Louis rookie Augustinian Brother Ambrose will be sidelined two to three weeks with a high tonsure sprain, The Augustinian Daily is reporting. Ambrose was injured during last Sunday’s Vesper hour after bowing too fast. “I was being reckless,” Ambrose told EOTT. “I was late on the bow. I tried to make up time so I could re-synchronize my bow with the other brothers–I felt a tweak in my neck and my head. It’s... Read More
Man Dressed As Tabernacle At Halloween Party Ignored; Is Moved To Corner Of Room
According to reports from several eyewitnesses moments ago, 27-year-old Emmanuel Dickens, who showed up to a Halloween party dressed as his favorite tabernacle, was promptly ignored and escorted to the corner of the room. The party’s host Thomas Martin told EOTT that having Dickens there was “for some reason just kinda putting a damper on the fellowship thing” he was going for. “It’s not necessarily that he’s not wanted... Read More
After 26 Weeks Of Anticipation, 27th Sunday In Ordinary Time Just Around Corner
Thousands flock to St. Peter’s to reserve spots for Mass during the 27th Sunday in Ordinary Time. The Christian West––After 26 weeks of eager anticipation, it was reported today that hundreds of millions of Catholics from across the Christian West began preparations for this week’s long-awaited celebration of the 27th Sunday in Ordinary Time. “Really, outside of Christmas and Easter…and the feasts of the Assumption, Ascension,... Read More
Android Priests Being Developed To Help Say Mass, Hear Confessions
Prototype clergydroid Fr. SRT4-11392 celebrating its first wedding ceremony. Vatican––The Vatican has confirmed reports today that an agreement has been reached with the International Federation of Robotics (IFR) to begin development of what they are calling “Clergydroids.” The news comes as relief to many seminary directors around the world that have seen their numbers plummet in the past few decades. “With so little priests and so... Read More