Developing: Sick Man Attempting To Shake Your Hand During Sign Of Peace

Fort Worth, TX––It is being reported this second that the sick man who has been violently coughing into his hands all Mass has been feverishly trying to get your attention to shake hands during the Sign of Peace. “I already threw him a peace sign…why does he keep staring?” you ask yourself as you then begin to throw everyone else peace signs so as to have him believe that that’s just the way you do it. The stranger, who has... Read More

Man Found Dead After Botched Homily

A man whose body was found in a pew at St. Cecila’s Church Friday died from blunt trauma to the heart, the San Bernardino County medical examiners office found after autopsies performed this morning. “We can’t say much at this time,” one examiner said at a press conference  “but what we can say is that the cause of death wasn’t trauma to the actual, physical heart, itself, but to its very nature…the essence... Read More

ICEL Calls For All-Meme Missal Translation For Youth Masses

Citing a need for the Church to “reach out to its estranged youth,” the International Commission on English in the Liturgy requested, and has already begun intensive work on, an all-meme edition of the Roman Missal. Representatives from the Commission, unhappy with the new translation of the Missal, shared their concern that the Church is not “speaking the language of the people.” “Young people are unable to relate to [the Missal’s] rigid,... Read More

New State-Of-The-Art Church Promises Comforts Of The Future

LONDON––A new state-of-the-art church in London opened today with Christmas/Easter size crowds eager for an opportunity to experience the next generation of churches. St. Joseph Cupertino Parish pastor Roger O’Malley gave Eye of the Tiber an exclusive tour of the mega Catholic Church. “As you can see everyone gets their own synthetic leather recliner, which includes storage space to keep foods and drinks cold during Mass,” O’Malley... Read More

Folk Mass Band Upset Over Masses Interrupting Their Concerts

Yonkers, NY––Blake Jennings, lead guitarist at St. Therese Parish in Yonkers, New York is outraged over what he calls “years of concerts being interrupted by the Mass.” The 56-year-old accountant and father of three has played with his band at the 9:30 Folk Mass since 2009. “Our fans love us,” Jennings said, after Sunday Mass. “You can see it in their eyes…the way they droop down, lazily closing as we play…as... Read More

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