Local Man Demands Pope Create Commission To Study Role Of Insufferable Catholics In The Church

  Local man Tim Sutherland announced this morning that he was demanding that Pope Francis create a commission to study the historical role of insufferable Catholics in the Church. The demand for the commission was promised by a frustrated Sutherland one day after the Pope met with a group of nuns on May 12, where Francis announced that the Vatican should study the question of ordaining women as deacons. A fed up Sutherland promptly requested that... Read More

Cardinal Nichols Asks Priests To Face Him During Mass

In response to Cardinal Sarah’s remarks on celebrating the liturgy ad orientem, Archbishop of Westminster Cardinal Vincent Nichols wrote to his priests yesterday confirming his wish that all priests should face him while celebrating Mass. Nichols cited rubric 299a of his edition of the General Instruction of the Roman Missal (GIRM), which says, “The altar should be built separate from the wall, in such a way that it is possible to walk around... Read More

Jesus Assumes New Role As Savior Emeritus After Catholic Blogger Takes Over Task Of Saving Church From Francis

Catholic blogger Nicholas Robison, best known for his blog, More Catholic Than Jesus, announced today that he has officially assumed the role of Savior of the world, ending Jesus Christ’s illustrious and often controversial reign. The stunning news comes after years of speculation from Catholic websites that Jesus Christ was no longer able to handle the rigors of the office. “We just feel like it’s gotten pretty obvious since the Council... Read More

Updated SSPX Catechesis Program To Now Include Fundamentals Of Catholic Trolling

Image: WikiCommons SSPX leadership is preparing to launch a new Catechism program in an effort to help better explain Church teaching and how to best completely obliterate lesser Catholics on social media. “Trolling is important for the Church because with knowledge comes responsibility,” said bishop Donald Vensand, head of the SSPX Council for the Degradation of Inferior Catholics. “With that responsibility comes a duty toward fellow Catholics. Our... Read More

Breaking: The Remnant Newspaper, National Catholic Reporter To Merge

Image: Andrew Hermiz The Remnant Newspaper and The National Catholic Reporter announced yesterday that they have entered into a merger agreement to create a new entity called The National Remnant Reporter. The organization will become the third-largest Catholic reporting organization in North America and the sixth-largest in the world. As part of the agreement, former Reporter employees will no longer be permitted to write articles that contain more than... Read More

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