Possible Liturgical Wreckage Spotted In Search For Missing Tabernacle

Austin, TX–Norwegian has become one of the first men to reach the area where possible debris from the missing tabernacle at St. Jude Catholic Church was spotted yesterday. The man arrived at the search zone near the janitors stock room after several parishioners noticed skid marks on the ground leading from the sanctuary to a closet located directly near the restroom. St. Jude spokesman Ben Marcos said the tabernacle seemed to have been moved to... Read More

Catholic Church Seemingly Reverses Apology to Galileo

Twenty two years after the historic “apology” of Pope John Paul II to Galileo in 1992, astronomers are beginning to question the apology’s sincerity. “The beauty of the Copernican solar system, and following it, that of Galileo, was its simplicity,” said one astronomer, “you put the sun in the middle, and the whole mess is cleared up. That’s what made it so convincing against the Ptolemaic system.” The system... Read More

Unimaginative Priest Celebrates Themeless Mass

Citing a lack of time and energy, as well as feeling the “total absence of the liturgical muse,” local pastor Fr. Mike Conway this week spent close to no time at all considering a theme for this Sunday’s Mass. “I remember just ten years ago when I could come up here with my jeans and piece of straw in my mouth for a Hillbilly Mass before changing into a Barney costume for my Children’s Mass,” Conway said, fondly describing a time when the uncharted... Read More

Pope Encourages Women To Reveal Breasts In Sistine Chapel, Feminist Newspaper Reports

VATICAN––“He is 77, celibate, and the Vicar of Christ; a role which, up until his papacy, was known for its prudishness,” Evi Quinn, journalist for the feminist newspaper The Revolution wrote this morning. “But Pope Francis has been quickly evolving the papacy into a more liberal and open-minded position in the Catholic Church, becoming an improbable leader of public nudity, encouraging mothers to reveal their breasts in public.” The Pope’s... Read More

Man Fondly Remembers Time When A Man Could Read Bible In Public Without Fear Of Being Ridiculed, Beheaded

New Philadelphia––Thinking back to a time long ago, 80-year-old New Philadelphian Gary Walker told his grandchildren that he remembered a time when a man could own a bible without fear of public humiliation and execution. “Oh, I see the skepticism in your faces,” Walker told his grandchildren as he sat in a rocking chair beside the fire. “But believe you me, there was a time not long ago when a man could sit down at a local... Read More

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