Grief Counselors Dispatched To San Diego After New Progressive Bishop Named

A mobile team of professional grief counselors and psychologists from Lockword & Sandersen Mental Health, Inc., a clinic based in Raleigh, North Carolina, has been dispatched to San Diego to treat Catholics suffering unbearable grief in the wake of the appointment by Pope Francis of the progressive Robert McElroy to be the next Bishop of San Diego and successor of Bishop Cirilo Flores, who died in 2014. One distraught parishioner, who agreed to speak... Read More

Pope Francis Confirms Cats Still Going To Hell

Pope Francis continues to show he’s not your average pope. During a public appearance this afternoon, Francis attempted to comfort a girl whose cat had died, saying, “One day, we will see our animals again in the eternity of Christ. Paradise is open to all of God’s creatures. All of them except for cats. In that case, little girl, the only way you will see your cat again is if you reject God’s grace and end up in hell.” The Pope’s... Read More

Cardinal Says Women’s Ordination Makes Sense Because Church Could Pay Women Less To Minister

  Cardinal Sean O’Malley told reporters earlier today that his recent interview with 60 Minutes was difficult because he did not have time to fully delve into how insane his opinion was on the matter of women’s ordination. “I hope that one take-away from my 60 Minutes interview will be that cardinals, bishops and priests are human, and that we love the Church, and that we say really stupid things sometimes,” said the cardinal. “If you watch... Read More

Daylight Savings News: Sedevacantist Family Moves Clocks Back Seven Centuries

After having set the family clock back seven centuries for daylight savings this past weekend, patriarch of a local sedevacantist family told EOTT this morning that, although he was excited about moving the clock back to “a better time,” that it was still weird getting used to the time change. “Oh, it’s always weird trying to adjust to a time change,” said a sick Jeremy Miller as he tried to fight off a bout with the Black Plague. “Especially... Read More

New Evidence Reveals The Mass Was Founded In 1965

Los Angeles, CA–A Loyola Marymount professor Wednesday found what he is considering undeniable evidence of his theory that the Mass was founded in 1965, as opposed to the year 33 as has been formerly thought. “It was primarily at the Second Vatican Council that the Holy Spirit descended upon the council fathers and thereby founded the Church,” said 68-year-old Church historian Marty Jenkins. “From documents that we’ve found, the Lord came... Read More

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