Pope Francis Announces He Not Planning To Ever Retire, Die
Pope Francis announced Sunday that he has no plans to retire from his position as the leader of the Catholic Church, or to die. The pontiff responded to a question from a young man at the Vatican, assuring Catholics and supporters that the thought of retirement or death has not even occurred to him. “I never thought of quitting being pope, or of leaving because of the many responsibilities,” Pope Francis told reporters. “And to those who... Read More
Thousands Sign Petition Calling For Immediate Canonization Of Harambe
Animal rights activists have created an online petition asking the Congregation for the Causes of Saints to waive the sainthood waiting period for Harambe, the endangered 450-pound gorilla who was fatally shot after a boy fell into its “hermitage” at the Cincinnati Zoo. The petition, which has already gathered over 300,000 signatures, asks Pope Francis to immediately proclaim Harambe a saint, elevating the great ape to the universal veneration of the... Read More
Jesus Assumes New Role As Savior Emeritus After Catholic Blogger Takes Over Task Of Saving Church From Francis
May 24, 2016 by Admin
Filed under Libs & Trads
Catholic blogger Nicholas Robison, best known for his blog, More Catholic Than Jesus, announced today that he has officially assumed the role of Savior of the world, ending Jesus Christ’s illustrious and often controversial reign. The stunning news comes after years of speculation from Catholic websites that Jesus Christ was no longer able to handle the rigors of the office. “We just feel like it’s gotten pretty obvious since the Council... Read More
Pope To Commission Study To Find More Ways He Can Confuse People
Pope Francis said today that he would set up a commission to study whether or not he can find more ways to confuse and frustrate the living crap out of people, revealing an openness to re-examining the church’s long-held insistence on not speaking off-the-cuff. His move was hailed as a breakthrough by those in the media who have clamored for years to be given more stuff to speculate on, and who cite research showing that a pope whose speeches were scripted... Read More
Pope Francis Accidentally Misplaces Keys To The Kingdom Of Heaven
Image: Andrew Hermiz Saying that he could’ve sworn he put them right there on top of the cabinet beside his bed, Pope Francis is reportedly frantically tearing up his apartment in search of his pair of keys to the Kingdom of Heaven that he misplaced sometime this afternoon. “Oh, come on, Francis, you always do this!” an angry Francis berated himself as he tossed sheets to the floor, looked inside his freezer, and in the inside pockets of all... Read More