Newspaper Fires Staff Writers Amid Allegations That They Had Opinions 

Image: Andrew Hermiz Two National Catholic Register staff writers have been fired and are now facing possible public flogging after they allegedly had opinions and were outspoken about them. The National Catholic Register on Monday terminated Mark Shea and Simcha Fisher from their positions as staff writers from the EWTN-owned newspaper. Reports from several bloggers say that they were fired for allegedly saying stuff that kinda pissed some Catholics... Read More

Catholics Attending Sedevacantist World Youth Day Still Waiting For Pope To Arrive

Image: Socrates2008 Many Catholics attending the Sedevacantist World Youth Day are reportedly still anxiously waiting the Pope’s arrival, sources are reporting. According to numerous sources who have been patiently waiting in Panama City since early dawn of 1958 for the Pope’s arrival, the patience of many of the attendees has been “pushed to its limits.” “I’ve been waiting on this damn field for the Opening Ceremonies... Read More

Russian Orthodox Church Accused Of Doping Parishioners To Gain Spiritual Advantage

With Armageddon just around the corner, the Russian Orthodox Church is in the midst of a massive doping scandal. On Monday, the Court of Spiritual Arbitration upheld a doping suspension for nearly 20,000 members of the Russian Orthodox Church. Patriarch Kirill of Moscow said he expects that the International Spiritual Committee will make its final ruling by this Saturday on whether anyone from his church will be allowed to compete for salvation. “This... Read More

Hillsong Apparently Some Sort Of Christian Band Or Church Or Something That Many Protestants Dislike For Some Reason

  Reporting that he was absolutely baffled as to who or what a “Hillsong” was, as well as the reason why so many Protestants hated it or him or whatever this Hillsong thing was, local Catholic George Matthews told EOTT this morning that he has, nevertheless, been able to deduce by reading multiple protestant blogs that the person or church or band in question was of the Devil…or God. “I suppose that this Hillsong band or church or whatever... Read More

Local Man Demands Pope Create Commission To Study Role Of Insufferable Catholics In The Church

  Local man Tim Sutherland announced this morning that he was demanding that Pope Francis create a commission to study the historical role of insufferable Catholics in the Church. The demand for the commission was promised by a frustrated Sutherland one day after the Pope met with a group of nuns on May 12, where Francis announced that the Vatican should study the question of ordaining women as deacons. A fed up Sutherland promptly requested that... Read More

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