Pope Francis Names Archbishop Cupich As His Successor
Image: Goat_Girl The Vatican announced this week that Chicago Archbishop Blase Cupich has been selected to be Pope Francis’ successor after the 79-year-old pontiff hits the age of retirement next year. Cupich told worshipers yesterday that he was “so very grateful and humbled by the news that he would be given the opportunity to wreak havoc upon the Church while wearing white.” Cupich, 67, will receive his “white hat” in Rome on December 18,... Read More
The Four Horsemen Decide To Take An Uber To The Apocalypse
October 10, 2016 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
According to several sources, the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” have decided to share an Uber to save money and time. “I was parked outside an ARCO when I received an alert notifying me of a pick up,” said local Uber driver Amar Sharid. “The man’s name was Hades of the Four Horsemen and his picture was that of the head of a skeleton. It seemed odd, but I needed the money, so I accepted.” “I have to admit... Read More
Creepy Clown Masses On The Rise
Image: Graeme Maclean Reports out of Cincinnati, Ohio today suggest sightings of Creepy Clown Masses are on the rise nationwide, and at levels not seen since the introduction of the 3rd typical edition of the Roman Missal five years ago. While anecdotes abounded in the 1990’s, most Catholics had never seen a Creepy Clown Mass themselves until recently. “I was ascending the side altar for my morning Latin Mass when I suddenly heard a calliope playing... Read More
SSPX Chess Player Creates Bishop Pieces Without World Chess Federation Approval
Image: Benjamin Fishman Society of St. Pius X chess grandmaster Larcel Mafebvre has turned four of his pieces into bishops without approval from the World Chess Federation, officials have confirmed. “Mr. Mafebvre has, without approval from the Federation, created bishops out of pawn pieces,” said World Chess Federation head Antonio Salamanca. “After speaking with Mr. Mafebvre regarding abiding by the new chess rules, wherein players... Read More
Hipster Priest Consecrates Fresh Batch Of Seasonal Pumpkin Spice Eucharist
September 19, 2016 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Just in time for the start of Fall, local hipster priest Fr. Kale Adams announced this morning that he has consecrated his first batch of Pumpkin Spice Eucharist. Although the seasonal pumpkin flavor of Jesus’ body has been condemned by the Vatican, Fr. Adams has told his parishioners that they’re not sheep, but rather, “free souls that can’t be contained by the man or the Vatican.” “Pumpkin Spice Eucharist allows me to express myself and my... Read More