Vatican’s Hit Television Show “World’s Next Top Cardinal” Renewed

Image: Carolus The most successful elevation reality TV series in Catholic television history, World’s Next Top Cardinal, has been renewed. This Spring, Season 3 of WNTC will be strutting down the center aisle runway on VaricanH1 with a new host, panel members, and a batch of brand new ecclesiastical experts. As always, the competition will feature an all-male cast competing for the coveted auriphrygiata. “In 2017, cardinaling is going... Read More

Priest Selling Contraband Blessings In The Sketchy End Of Parish Arrested

Father Martin Jones has been arrested for selling contraband papal blessings near the south end of St. Agatha parish after authorities found a trunk full knockoff religious goods and blessings. The thirty year-old priest was arrested in the early hours of morning Mass yesterday after several parishioners admitted to purchasing blessings and intersessions at below market prices. The arrest took place in the abandoned part of the church where the tabernacle... Read More

Traditionalists Sanction Protestant Communities Over Vatican II Liturgical Hacks

In a drastic move to secure traditionalist Catholics from liturgical hackers, the Burke administration on Thursday slapped a number of Protestant communities and individuals with sanctions over their alleged Vatican II hacks of the Mass. “These actions follow repeated private and public warnings that we have issued to Protestants, and are a necessary and appropriate response to efforts to harm the sanctity of the Mass in violation of established... Read More

Pope Francis Calls For More Vatican Nukes In Annual Christmas Message

Just days after Pope Francis offered a message of hope in his annual “Urbi et Orbi” Christmas day message, the Pontiff has now backtracked, saying that if peace could not prevail, he would be forced to join the United States and Russia in an arms race. Pope Francis told EOTT in an exclusive interview this morning that “We will outmatch Russia and the U.S. at every pass and outlast them all, both spiritually as well as with our growing stockpile of... Read More

Second Year Of Mercy To Allow An Individual’s Conscience To Absolve One’s Own Sins

The Vatican announced today that they will be opening a second Year of Mercy. The initiative is intended to address the crisis in the sacrament of confession and is being called, “The Year of Mercy: A Second Helping.” “Over half of the confessions in the Church today are invalid because the faithful actually do not believe any of their actions are sinful,” Cardinal Thomas Olvelli explained. “Without an actual sin confessed,... Read More

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