Pope Francis Mandates All Catholics Convert To Lutheranism In New Apostolic Exhortation
Just hours after Pope Francis published his latest work Reformatio Si, Catholic theologian Cardinal Walter Kasper told reporters that, though Pope Francis’ apostolic exhortation mandating all Catholics convert to Lutheranism might be tough to comprehend, he nevertheless prayed that they have faith in the same Holy Spirit that not only chose Francis to become pope, but also “was the instrument behind the works of St. Martin Luther.” “I... Read More
Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick Pleased With How Deal With The Devil Coming Along
February 6, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Image: Keith Allison In what many are calling the most exciting deal a human being has ever made with the Devil, The New England Patriots came back from a 28-3 deficit to win their fifth Super Bowl. Under the leadership of the damned soul of the Patriots head coach, which was signed over to the Devil in 2002 in a blockbuster contract, Belichick, under the guidance of Satan, was able script the most miraculous comeback in Super Bowl history for quarterback... Read More
Cardinal Dolan Bans Chaldean Rite Catholics From Entering Diocese For 90 Days
Cardinal Timothy Dolan’s move to ban thousands of Chaldean Rite Catholics from the New York Diocese sent shock waves across the country Sunday, as confusion rippled through churches all across New York. Dolan’s ecclesiastical order bars Catholics of five rites located in Muslim-majority countries from entering any Roman Rite churches for the next 90 days and suspends the baptism of all Chaldean babies for at least 120 days. The ban... Read More
Traditionalist-Charismatic Catholic Believes Only Men Should Play Guitar During Mass
January 31, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Local traditionalist-charismatic Catholic Keith Hubbard announced to friends late Monday night that he believed that, according to the ancient traditions of the charismatic Church, women should not be permitted to play the guitar during Mass. “I think the Church’s insistence that only fingers belonging to a male ought to strum or pluck the strings of a guitar during Mass is a way of telling the faithful that the lead guitarist takes on a sort of in... Read More
Catholic Rock Band Not Surprised To Learn They’re Going Hell
January 27, 2017 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Image: Feliciano Guimarães Just days after completing their whirlwind three-parish praise and worship tour, Catholic rock band Smug Self-Righteous Gutter Trash were saddened, though not the least bit surprised, to find out they were all doomed to eternal hellfire for their music. Gutter Trash lead singer Koby Doyle told EOTT this morning that he and his fellow bandmates learned of the news just after a concert when “the angel of the Lord appeared... Read More